I’ve been back at work since May 2008. At the beginning, I was reeling and incapable of really knowing what I wanted – professionally. So I tried something I thought I would be suitable for: high-end work. I had a few clients and they were wonderful. I enjoyed myself.

I am at a new phase of life. Not only am I single again after a long time of not, I’m into my sexual prime. I feel it. Some of it may be the feeling of freedom and rebirth, some of it may be due to biology, some of it that I’m no longer on birth control pills for the first time since I was 20. Either way, these few, leisurely, well-paid assignations were very nice for me, like gentle training wheels.

And I discovered something.

There was a new feeling of authenticity. There was no need to fake anything. I was very much myself. It felt so much better than I remembered, so natural. Even better, this authenticity has started spilling over into my personal life. (Let’s just say it separates the men from the boys.)

But I wasn’t ready for hourly. Or so I thought. For some reason I was stuck on the idea of high-end. To be honest, I don’t think I was emotionally ready for hourly work at the beginning. But I think I was ready for it long before I actually began it again (after Bella’s; alternate identity, of course). There was some snob prejudice – hourly isn’t as prestigious as high-end. There was Vegas itself – some hourly girls I know refuse to work in that city, having done so and had awful experiences. There was the time factor – hourly work arguably requires a higher investment of advertising/marketing time per appointment due to the amount of competition and the nature of the clientele (not besmirching hourly clients in any way).

When I began hourly work again, it was as a low-investment business – advertising on CraigsList, no pictures. While I still regard it as a cesspool I’ve made some nice clients off there. It all depends on how you present yourself, really (the whole point Book #2!!!).

Anyway, my point is that when I began hourly work once again, a lot of the feeling from my multi-hour high-end work remained. I brought a new grace to my work. And I discovered that although I still loathe reviews as much as I always have, I also didn’t care in a whole new way. Being free to re-create my own boundaries, I did.

Yes, I’ve now given a few uncovered blowjobs. Though fun and taboo-breaking (for me), it ultimately crossed my comfort lines and I’m back to covered again. I feel more like myself and safer that way. It was an experiment because, well, I wanted to know and there way only one way to find out (yes, I touched hot stoves as a kid, multiple times). In the end, I have too much concern for my health for a small thrill. And knowing that I’m about to explore the world, I’m fully aware that uncovered anything is highly risky. The circumcised men in the US are actually rather safe in that regard. If I don’t feel completely safe giving uncovered blowjobs here, I certainly won’t elsewhere in the world.

I’ve had anal sex with a few clients. A couple times I’ve offered and had it turned down. I found that when I offer, I like it. Control-freak that I am, I don’t like it when suggested by the client. But it adds a nice new piece of fun to my repertoire. Why not? I’ve always liked anal sex, I simply didn’t want to offer it when escort work was my full-time job because I didn’t want it that often. This doesn’t violate my boundaries in any way that I thought it might. It was a pleasant discovery to make.

I French kiss clients. Not all. Not all require it and some just are completely unappealing (I’m talking to you, Mr. Garlic Dinner!). But again, I’ve found that when I offer it – as opposed to it being assumed or taken – I enjoy it. I offered it at the brothel, surprising several clients. I offered to my old clients when visiting Dallas last month. I’ve never been a tonsil-hockey kind of girl, but I’ve discovered the passion in sharing a kiss. I’m still really wary of colds though. Swapping spit is a great way to swap garden-variety cooties as well. And it’s something I have to feel or it violates my sense of self.

I’ve stopped apologizing for things I will or won’t do. There is a new ease in my work. Though it’s paying my bills, it’s not my full-time job (it doesn’t even count as a part-time job). It’s something I do because I can, because I’m good at it, because I enjoy it. I want to share that joy. Since I’ve managed to make some repeat clients (yes, even in Vegas), I think that’s a testament my new attitude is working well.

Surprisingly (to me), I don’t fake orgasms anymore. This whole post is started off based on this post Casey made (scroll to the comments section for my $0.04). I realized she’s at a similar point in life I am – at least in regard to the erotic fun we have in our jobs. Our orgasms, our personal womanly selves, are not for sale. Those things are given freely. Not taken, given. When given, there is no expectation of return except appreciation for the gift.

This is a big concept for some men, especially those who regard my orgasm as an ego boost for them. There are a lot of those men, but…I haven’t run into many recently. Has my marketing/advertising shifted so that I’m attracting a slightly different clientele? I think so. Is my new attitude affecting the clients I see? I think so too. As usual, my policy of avoiding hobbyists (if possible) stands me in good stead. There are a lot of other clients out there and those are usually the ones I want. I see very few clients right now. Very few. I want a client for whom my visit is also an uncommon event. It’s a fair exchange that way. Jaded professional clients do nothing for me. They never have, actually.

As before, I’m in a slightly odd spot. I’m a high-end girl (quality-wise) without the pretensions necessary to really pull it off. I like my middle and upper middle class clients. I feel most at ease with them. I like hourly work (as before, I get an even mix of 1hr appointments and 4hr dinner appointments). I don’t watch the clock at all, though sometimes I do feel like I ripped myself off by staying too long. Other times, I’m just having fun and don’t really care. (Exceptions are if I really do have somewhere else to be afterwards.)

My boundaries encompass more than sex. I’m learning to be flexible rates-wise. This is something I advise escorts against. If you have one escort persona, it wreaks havoc with your marketing. I’m in a weird spot though. I’m quite happy to reward my original clients for their loyalty by grandfathering their rates. No issue there. I adore them. Potential new clients have approached me, some of them trophy hunters. Why should I give them the same price break I give my original clients who saw me simply because they liked me back when I was just another blonde escort in Dallas? Chasing Amanda is now expensive, as it should be. That, and more than one person has warned me that I would make a very fun target for police.

While that’s no doubt true, I’ve started rethinking that as well. I’m feeling confident enough to try some public advertising in the US. Why not? It doesn’t mean I have to actually see any new clients. I am the so-called Internet escort expert. Why shouldn’t I utilize the medium I know best? (Truth be told, it’s way easier to work as Amanda, a persona I’m very familiar with, than trying to create a new one that doesn’t fit quite as well. I prefer to keep things simple.)

Though I’ll be working in other countries as Amanda, I’m going to have to come up with a whole new flexible rate plan for every country. Far fewer Amanda chasers there, though I suspect I may end up raising my rates in some locales. I’ll be in different situations too, like working the street. Yes, I do plan on trying that when I feel I’m relatively safe. I’m quite okay with this sort of flex – as long as it’s my decision. I learned that at Bella’s. As boyfriends have complained before, I like doing what I damn well please. Not always a bad approach to things.

How will these adventures affect my image with clients in the US? My original clients, who at this point know me and like me pretty well – probably not a whit. Potential new clients? They may not get it, may be offended I’ll see clients in certain countries, or that I’ll “lower” myself to working in a brothel or on the street or out of a hotel bar. It’s a shame, but those are some of the prejudices I hope to confront, both in myself and the public at large. High-end all the time sounds nice, but I’m realizing it’s not me. I like to earn a living, but I’m not the most pretentious person and have not gone to the finest finishing schools. Sometimes it’s something I’d like to be able to claim. Most of the time I’m fine where I am.

Anyone who knows me personally probably realizes I’m quite full of quirks. And I’m becoming more comfortable in letting these quirks into Amanda. Amanda has always been me – just a slightly more bubbly, more outgoing version. These little quirks coming to the surface humanizes Amanda, I think. And allows me to relax a little more into the persona. Why shouldn’t Amanda grow and change? I have. I’m also realizing that there are different versions of Amanda too. The service-oriented escort, the ready debater, the (rather disorganized) activist, the sometime-pundit and the blonde girl who is still horribly shy in groups she doesn’t know.

Last but certainly not least, I’ve started scouring my hooker/stripper library for recent information on working in Europe (as well as Asia). I re-read Dolores French’s Working. I first read it in 1999 and it changed my views of prostitution forever, as well as giving me a massive girl-crush on this witty, humane, adventurous woman. I don’t want to say that I’m following her footsteps, I’m not. I’ve arrived at my decisions on my own for my own reasons (which differ from the reasons she discusses in her book). But again and again, I find myself looking at her and drawing comparisons. I’m not her and cannot be her. Perhaps she is more of a role-model than I like to admit, perhaps her life molded me as much as that I Love Lucy episode molded her. Perhaps I just like knowing the possibilities. Or perhaps intelligent, adventurous women are drawn to the same things! I don’t owe her a debt. I’m still a fan though. We’re all originals in our way, just as we are all sisters too. Being accused of taking her life too literally isn’t a bad thing, it’s not an easy path to walk.

28 thoughts on “the evolution of boundaries

  1. What a wonderful thing that you feel more comfortable letting some additional parts of yourself into Amanda. Being able to relax and be yourself at work is perhaps the most important definition of occupational success I know.

  2. You sound like you’ve come to a very nice place, Amanda. One that makes the work fun instead of making you bitter. I agree, it’s all about the boundaries, making them, realizing you can operate in them and feeling in control of your life instead of at the mercy of something you don’t want to do.

    Enjoy!

  3. I like the idea of a client being a special event, too. This kind of experience should be a quarterly event or at the most, monthly. Geez, kinda like when I was married.

  4. David,

    I’ve always been very much myself as Amanda, but the introduction of “public” Amanda was a new wrinkle and I’ve been dealing with that for a while. It’s quite different from escort work and has taken much longer to settle into.

    Alexa,

    Not just live and learn, but expand and grow. Though I will still never recommend anyone push their own boundaries or do anything unsafe. That’s their personal decision. I only accept responsibility for my personal decisions.

    Gilette,

    I’ve never been bitter about my work (personal relationships are quite a different matter). This is more about fine-tuning and pushing myself with some amount of forethought. Though I still have plenty of issues around escort work in general, e.g. the review boards. That may change too, but not as much. This post is about being a work in progress, really.

    Randy,

    Laughing! You know, I’ve always wanted to provide the Ex-Wife Experience: I pass the guy in the hall, say “Fuck you” and he hands me money. Somehow I guess it’s not as popular as GFE.

    XX

  5. You never cease to amaze and inspire me. In a way I consider you a mentor, is that silly? Ah, so be it…

    Even after almost 13 years in the sex industry I still feel like I have so much to learn about boundaries, service, & authenticity. And I always learn something vital from your posts as well as find a certain peace in knowing we’re all works in progress.

    Thanks for this post – it was exactly what I needed to read today.
    xo,
    c

  6. Casey,

    You’re welcome for the Sunday reading!

    Certainly flattered by your comments, but I’m often blown away by your blog (as well as the incredible phrasing you do). Some of our journey is similiar right now. I see it as leaning on each other when needed. It’s also interesting to wonder how much one person’s questions influence another — like this particular post.

    XX

  7. Amanda,
    I thoroughly enjoy this blog. It is always interesting when I as a reader get to know more in depth information about the author. I like that you opened up about the place you have arrived at in your life. It is fulfilling to know that I am not the only one who has reached this moment of self-realization about an aspect of my life. It is monumental when someone can reach a place of calm and confidence in their life. With all the different things you have had to go through in you life, I am glad that you are at this place now. Best wishes on your continued journey.
    Greg

  8. Greg,

    Thank you very much! This post IS about growth and reaching a certain point. Even writing this has required a certain amount of fearlessness that isn’t easy for me. I’m looking forward to continually growing, not shrinking. Thank you for going along the journey with me.

    XX

  9. Hi Amanda. Let me start with saying this just stumbled upon you while we were doing reserch on Bella’s. My wife has done some escorting and was considering going to Bella’s. She’s 31 busty long brown kinky curly hair green eyes 5’6″ 230 lbs 40D and killer nipples (sorry advertising) lol. She’s awesome in the bed but I’m not sure about this whole Bella’s thing.I don’t mind her working just kinda hesitant about her being locked in and traped like a prisoner (I have done time) to pay off debt which seems to grow on a daily basis. From what we have read it seems your time at Bella’s was more like doing time and not working time. So from your blogs and everything we have read SHE’S made the choice not to go. Thanks for your blogs they are an awesome insight. Have you done any reserch on other brothels in the USA or out of the USA . She might consider going to one that’s more like work then a sex prison. Again thanks for everything please keep blogging we will be reading think you were her I love lucy episode.

  10. Amanda:

    Fantastic writing and thoughts. Thanks. You are clearly incredible and it would be an outstanding privilege to encounter or meet someone like yourself.

    -Mark

    PS When you feel the urge, I think “authorship” is in your future 🙂

  11. Oops… didn’t know you had already written books; of which I have just ordered one of them. Well, see- I told you so! You are an author! Clearly.

    Keep writing.

  12. Michael and Rachel,

    Thanks for joining in! Doing your research is ALWAYS important.

    I’ve been told to try the Mustang/Wild Horse Ranch, Shady Lady, Kit Kat Ranch and of course, Dennis Hof’s brothels. I’ve heard from both providers and clients of those brothels and though each place has its quirks, all were given positive comments.

    Rachel should also realize a HUGE part of successfully working in a brothel is the negoiation part. Read “Turning Pro” by Magdalene Meretrix and try to find some brothel discussion boards for tips on this. The house will try to teach her when she comes in — it’s a very important skill to learn. The rest will be fun and easy, I’m sure!

    XX

  13. Mark,

    Nice to meet you too! BIG thank you for the book purchase, feedback is always welcome (public or private).

    We may or may never meet, but you can always follow along here. There is a lot more to come very soon!

    As for the rest, I’m just blushing! 🙂

    XX

  14. Oh now that is FUNNY!! I mean laugh out loud FUNNY!
    The Ex-Wife Experience. You hit that right on the head. Any guy that has been divorced should be laughing at that. You should send that to Jay Lino or the like.

  15. Anthony,

    Glad you like it! A lot of guys have gotten a good laugh out of it.

    One day a few years ago a friend and I came up with this whole ridiculous list of “experiences” and this was one I came up with. I think I also came up with a Vampire Experience (and such things) but can’t remember the details. Should’ve written them all down.

    XX

  16. Hey what the hell go ahead and dfk your clients and go ahead and do uncovered blowjobs your a indy/renegade so what if you catch a STD no big deal right. You have the right to do whatever you want and NOBODY better tell you what you to do especially a man! You always preached being safe but hey you have a right to change your mind and be unsafe after all 75% of indies like living on the edge and practice unsafe acts with clients lol. I think you would probably make a great GFE/STD provider. You can show girls in your 3rd book how to do an uncovered BJ and pay russian roulette lol. Oh and you always had your nose up about working the street now you want to try that lol. You sure like to flipflop Amanda. So do whatever you please and make up any rules you want!

  17. Count I agree it’s good to be safe I always use rubbers with clients for everything, but come on Amanda is a big girl and she knows the risks. Also I am assuming your a guy Count. Do you mean to tell me you never had your dick sucked without a rubber? LOL I bet you have and I bet you loved it!

    Also is this a little personal? Do you and Amanda know each other? Did you guys have a misunderstanding or falling out? I think deep down you might like Amanda LOL. Why else would you care if she is being safe and does bj’s covered or uncovered? How sweet!

  18. Bernie,

    It is NOT accurate to say that escort work is a hobby. It forms my main source of income. It’s my job, my career (though currently not my only career). My main hobby is reading.

    Technically, anything you do that produces a profit is not a hobby from the viewpoint of the IRS. That’s a very good definition of what constitutes a job.

    XX

  19. I don’t like the word prostitution. It gives a negative view of the actual act that takes place. I don’t see escorts as prostitutes. Escorts provide a service that may or may not include sexual relations. And I have never UNDERSTOOD the double standard applied here. Let me see if I have this correct. If I meet a women in the book store ask here out to a dinner and play drop $500- $1000 bucks on the evening or two evenings whatever the time period, it’s legal. Knowing full well what my intentions are. However, if I pay a woman for her time to be with me I’m criminal and so is she. What Bull. What happened to a woman has a right to choose?! She can choose to terminate a pregnancy, but she CAN’T choose a monetary value for her time?! Lawyers do. Doesn’t that make them prostitutes? Tired of the double standard in this country. Also tired of the government writing laws for the surfs to follow while they give themselves a free pass. That is not what this country is all about.

  20. Anthony,

    I’m starting to dislike the word “prostitution” as well because so often it’s used in conjunction with “prostituted women” who are sex workers who have not made the choice. But as a word simply describing paying for sex, I have no issues with it.

    Everything else you said is spot on. Double standard, paying for time as opposed to sex, a woman’s right to her own body — you’re preaching to the choir! I wish more people questioned popular assumptions like you do.

    XX

  21. I also agree on the double standard thing: there are many forms of prostitution and I still don’t get what makes just ONE illegal (lawyers ARE whores! lol).

    I really liked this entry by Amanda. And I don’t see her as becoming reckless at all. It’s about maturity and confidence. This is a stage that occurs in every type of human activity – the time when the training wheels (the rules that keep us in line and safe) can come off and we’re ready to trust ourselves. There ARE risks involved. But it’s what free beings do.

    Fred Astaire did say that “the higher up you go, the more mistakes you’re allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it’s considered to be your style.”
    Well I think that Amanda may be finding her groove, that’s all. She was an utterly professional concert pianist; she is discovering jazz (unless I completely misreading her).

    But the real reason I was glad to read this is that this hobbyist has been long saying that, past a certain age (usually 30-35 in my experience), sex workers sometimes start to “do it for themselves” in every way, to come into their own and make the interaction much richer for both parties.

    All rules are made to be bent or broken sometimes. It’s a woman’s privilege to decide when, and a man’s to enjoy exploring new boundaries with her. I don’t see why sex work would be any different.

  22. Hobbyist,

    Thank you so much.

    Yes, the training wheels have come off. I still make decisions based on my safety but not arbitrary “rules” of conduct.

    Considering the amount of mistakes I make, I must be at the very tip top!! Ha!

    Yup, doing it for myself in many ways but…I never forget my clients. The more I give, the more I get — even if the return is in self-revelation that comes days later.

    You know, I’ve enjoyed your bouncing all over my blog. I’m re-reading posts I forgot about!

    XX

  23. Oh, I’m glad you respond to my ramblings this way. I was peripherally aware of you, but just discovered your blog and am still devouring it.
    You have a lot to say about a multitude of subjects, and it’s definitely a writerly (even poetic at times) blog, not your average online topical diary… =) So your old entries tend to be just as relevant and meaningful today as the day you wrote them.
    My comments are all over the map for now, but I’ll eventually slow down!

    It’s also clear to me that you know what I mean when I say “do it for yourself”. It’s not about selfishness, but self-fulfillment, which is the best gift we can share with the world. In the narrower sense of escorting, it’s a joy to encounter a provider who enjoys herself and takes pride in her work, instead of going through the motions of performing a chore.

    And besides its quality, your blog is a true breath of fresh air after reading a slew of much more negative ones about our favorite subject. I realize that some providers are embittered by the work, and feel dirty and resentful of society (men) and their clients (more men), but I was growing frustrated by their denial of MY experience, which is overwhelmingly positive.

    I do realize that you are exceptional (and probably at the very tip top of modern courtesans!), but many providers, and not just the high-end variety, have seemed to me very much in control, empowered, and willing to share, instead of demeaned and enslaved.

    A willingness to play (reasonably) with boundaries has always been a sign to me that I was in presence of a true professional, and frankly, a mature woman at the top of her game.

  24. So many things to like about this post. It is from a while ago, but I can feel the energy still. I am also still devouring your archives, and it is such a contrast to how your post was when you were going to give up escorting for your husband. From everything you have written, you have the heart and energy for many men, and should be able to. I am surprised that you have not found any takers of an open relationship, or was that satire? I am identifying with your point of view on that one. I pick up the loosest threads from your archives. If you are still feeling the same energy then as now, stick with it! Good for you not listening to the negative posters!

  25. Michael — Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed this too.

    For the record, I wasn’t married, I was just living with the guy. Not sure why everyone thinks I was.

    I’ve only had 1 taker of an open relationship. I have a current relationship that began open but we’ve mutually decided to not pursue others. Not every relationship is the same, however I think starting with the “open” basis helps get a lot of issues out right at the beginning.

    If you’re referring to my Sex and the Single Escort post, then yes, that was satire in some ways. 🙂

    Thanks again for the kind words. I am indeed feeling pretty comfortable with myself these days. Not complacent or self-satisfied, just comfortable. It’s a good place to be.

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