the evolution of boundaries
Apr 10, 2009 Adult Industry, Personal, Sex
Tags: boundaries, client boundaries, clients, escort work, safer sex, Sex Work Tour
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27 Responses to “the evolution of boundaries”
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April 10th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
What a wonderful thing that you feel more comfortable letting some additional parts of yourself into Amanda. Being able to relax and be yourself at work is perhaps the most important definition of occupational success I know.
April 11th, 2009 at 12:03 am
This sounds like the penultimate example of “live and learn.’
April 11th, 2009 at 9:33 am
You sound like you’ve come to a very nice place, Amanda. One that makes the work fun instead of making you bitter. I agree, it’s all about the boundaries, making them, realizing you can operate in them and feeling in control of your life instead of at the mercy of something you don’t want to do.
Enjoy!
April 11th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I like the idea of a client being a special event, too. This kind of experience should be a quarterly event or at the most, monthly. Geez, kinda like when I was married.
April 11th, 2009 at 11:44 am
David,
I’ve always been very much myself as Amanda, but the introduction of “public” Amanda was a new wrinkle and I’ve been dealing with that for a while. It’s quite different from escort work and has taken much longer to settle into.
Alexa,
Not just live and learn, but expand and grow. Though I will still never recommend anyone push their own boundaries or do anything unsafe. That’s their personal decision. I only accept responsibility for my personal decisions.
Gilette,
I’ve never been bitter about my work (personal relationships are quite a different matter). This is more about fine-tuning and pushing myself with some amount of forethought. Though I still have plenty of issues around escort work in general, e.g. the review boards. That may change too, but not as much. This post is about being a work in progress, really.
Randy,
Laughing! You know, I’ve always wanted to provide the Ex-Wife Experience: I pass the guy in the hall, say “Fuck you” and he hands me money. Somehow I guess it’s not as popular as GFE.
XX
April 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
You never cease to amaze and inspire me. In a way I consider you a mentor, is that silly? Ah, so be it…
Even after almost 13 years in the sex industry I still feel like I have so much to learn about boundaries, service, & authenticity. And I always learn something vital from your posts as well as find a certain peace in knowing we’re all works in progress.
Thanks for this post – it was exactly what I needed to read today.
xo,
c
April 12th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Casey,
You’re welcome for the Sunday reading!
Certainly flattered by your comments, but I’m often blown away by your blog (as well as the incredible phrasing you do). Some of our journey is similiar right now. I see it as leaning on each other when needed. It’s also interesting to wonder how much one person’s questions influence another — like this particular post.
XX
April 13th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Amanda,
I thoroughly enjoy this blog. It is always interesting when I as a reader get to know more in depth information about the author. I like that you opened up about the place you have arrived at in your life. It is fulfilling to know that I am not the only one who has reached this moment of self-realization about an aspect of my life. It is monumental when someone can reach a place of calm and confidence in their life. With all the different things you have had to go through in you life, I am glad that you are at this place now. Best wishes on your continued journey.
Greg
April 14th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Greg,
Thank you very much! This post IS about growth and reaching a certain point. Even writing this has required a certain amount of fearlessness that isn’t easy for me. I’m looking forward to continually growing, not shrinking. Thank you for going along the journey with me.
XX
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
Hi Amanda. Let me start with saying this just stumbled upon you while we were doing reserch on Bella’s. My wife has done some escorting and was considering going to Bella’s. She’s 31 busty long brown kinky curly hair green eyes 5′6″ 230 lbs 40D and killer nipples (sorry advertising) lol. She’s awesome in the bed but I’m not sure about this whole Bella’s thing.I don’t mind her working just kinda hesitant about her being locked in and traped like a prisoner (I have done time) to pay off debt which seems to grow on a daily basis. From what we have read it seems your time at Bella’s was more like doing time and not working time. So from your blogs and everything we have read SHE’S made the choice not to go. Thanks for your blogs they are an awesome insight. Have you done any reserch on other brothels in the USA or out of the USA . She might consider going to one that’s more like work then a sex prison. Again thanks for everything please keep blogging we will be reading think you were her I love lucy episode.
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Amanda:
Fantastic writing and thoughts. Thanks. You are clearly incredible and it would be an outstanding privilege to encounter or meet someone like yourself.
-Mark
PS When you feel the urge, I think “authorship” is in your future
May 3rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Oops… didn’t know you had already written books; of which I have just ordered one of them. Well, see- I told you so! You are an author! Clearly.
Keep writing.
May 4th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Michael and Rachel,
Thanks for joining in! Doing your research is ALWAYS important.
I’ve been told to try the Mustang/Wild Horse Ranch, Shady Lady, Kit Kat Ranch and of course, Dennis Hof’s brothels. I’ve heard from both providers and clients of those brothels and though each place has its quirks, all were given positive comments.
Rachel should also realize a HUGE part of successfully working in a brothel is the negoiation part. Read “Turning Pro” by Magdalene Meretrix and try to find some brothel discussion boards for tips on this. The house will try to teach her when she comes in — it’s a very important skill to learn. The rest will be fun and easy, I’m sure!
XX
May 4th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Mark,
Nice to meet you too! BIG thank you for the book purchase, feedback is always welcome (public or private).
We may or may never meet, but you can always follow along here. There is a lot more to come very soon!
As for the rest, I’m just blushing!
XX
May 6th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Oh now that is FUNNY!! I mean laugh out loud FUNNY!
The Ex-Wife Experience. You hit that right on the head. Any guy that has been divorced should be laughing at that. You should send that to Jay Lino or the like.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Anthony,
Glad you like it! A lot of guys have gotten a good laugh out of it.
One day a few years ago a friend and I came up with this whole ridiculous list of “experiences” and this was one I came up with. I think I also came up with a Vampire Experience (and such things) but can’t remember the details. Should’ve written them all down.
XX
May 12th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Hey what the hell go ahead and dfk your clients and go ahead and do uncovered blowjobs your a indy/renegade so what if you catch a STD no big deal right. You have the right to do whatever you want and NOBODY better tell you what you to do especially a man! You always preached being safe but hey you have a right to change your mind and be unsafe after all 75% of indies like living on the edge and practice unsafe acts with clients lol. I think you would probably make a great GFE/STD provider. You can show girls in your 3rd book how to do an uncovered BJ and pay russian roulette lol. Oh and you always had your nose up about working the street now you want to try that lol. You sure like to flipflop Amanda. So do whatever you please and make up any rules you want!
May 17th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Count I agree it’s good to be safe I always use rubbers with clients for everything, but come on Amanda is a big girl and she knows the risks. Also I am assuming your a guy Count. Do you mean to tell me you never had your dick sucked without a rubber? LOL I bet you have and I bet you loved it!
Also is this a little personal? Do you and Amanda know each other? Did you guys have a misunderstanding or falling out? I think deep down you might like Amanda LOL. Why else would you care if she is being safe and does bj’s covered or uncovered? How sweet!
June 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Prostitution is important in society, as well as other aspects of people’s lives. There is nothing wrong with prostitution.
August 16th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Is it accurate to say you practice escorting as a hobby?
August 17th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Bernie,
It is NOT accurate to say that escort work is a hobby. It forms my main source of income. It’s my job, my career (though currently not my only career). My main hobby is reading.
Technically, anything you do that produces a profit is not a hobby from the viewpoint of the IRS. That’s a very good definition of what constitutes a job.
XX
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I don’t like the word prostitution. It gives a negative view of the actual act that takes place. I don’t see escorts as prostitutes. Escorts provide a service that may or may not include sexual relations. And I have never UNDERSTOOD the double standard applied here. Let me see if I have this correct. If I meet a women in the book store ask here out to a dinner and play drop $500- $1000 bucks on the evening or two evenings whatever the time period, it’s legal. Knowing full well what my intentions are. However, if I pay a woman for her time to be with me I’m criminal and so is she. What Bull. What happened to a woman has a right to choose?! She can choose to terminate a pregnancy, but she CAN’T choose a monetary value for her time?! Lawyers do. Doesn’t that make them prostitutes? Tired of the double standard in this country. Also tired of the government writing laws for the surfs to follow while they give themselves a free pass. That is not what this country is all about.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Anthony,
I’m starting to dislike the word “prostitution” as well because so often it’s used in conjunction with “prostituted women” who are sex workers who have not made the choice. But as a word simply describing paying for sex, I have no issues with it.
Everything else you said is spot on. Double standard, paying for time as opposed to sex, a woman’s right to her own body — you’re preaching to the choir! I wish more people questioned popular assumptions like you do.
XX
October 11th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
I also agree on the double standard thing: there are many forms of prostitution and I still don’t get what makes just ONE illegal (lawyers ARE whores! lol).
I really liked this entry by Amanda. And I don’t see her as becoming reckless at all. It’s about maturity and confidence. This is a stage that occurs in every type of human activity – the time when the training wheels (the rules that keep us in line and safe) can come off and we’re ready to trust ourselves. There ARE risks involved. But it’s what free beings do.
Fred Astaire did say that “the higher up you go, the more mistakes you’re allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it’s considered to be your style.”
Well I think that Amanda may be finding her groove, that’s all. She was an utterly professional concert pianist; she is discovering jazz (unless I completely misreading her).
But the real reason I was glad to read this is that this hobbyist has been long saying that, past a certain age (usually 30-35 in my experience), sex workers sometimes start to “do it for themselves” in every way, to come into their own and make the interaction much richer for both parties.
All rules are made to be bent or broken sometimes. It’s a woman’s privilege to decide when, and a man’s to enjoy exploring new boundaries with her. I don’t see why sex work would be any different.
October 13th, 2010 at 2:18 am
Hobbyist,
Thank you so much.
Yes, the training wheels have come off. I still make decisions based on my safety but not arbitrary “rules” of conduct.
Considering the amount of mistakes I make, I must be at the very tip top!! Ha!
Yup, doing it for myself in many ways but…I never forget my clients. The more I give, the more I get — even if the return is in self-revelation that comes days later.
You know, I’ve enjoyed your bouncing all over my blog. I’m re-reading posts I forgot about!
XX
October 13th, 2010 at 9:36 am
Oh, I’m glad you respond to my ramblings this way. I was peripherally aware of you, but just discovered your blog and am still devouring it.
You have a lot to say about a multitude of subjects, and it’s definitely a writerly (even poetic at times) blog, not your average online topical diary… =) So your old entries tend to be just as relevant and meaningful today as the day you wrote them.
My comments are all over the map for now, but I’ll eventually slow down!
It’s also clear to me that you know what I mean when I say “do it for yourself”. It’s not about selfishness, but self-fulfillment, which is the best gift we can share with the world. In the narrower sense of escorting, it’s a joy to encounter a provider who enjoys herself and takes pride in her work, instead of going through the motions of performing a chore.
And besides its quality, your blog is a true breath of fresh air after reading a slew of much more negative ones about our favorite subject. I realize that some providers are embittered by the work, and feel dirty and resentful of society (men) and their clients (more men), but I was growing frustrated by their denial of MY experience, which is overwhelmingly positive.
I do realize that you are exceptional (and probably at the very tip top of modern courtesans!), but many providers, and not just the high-end variety, have seemed to me very much in control, empowered, and willing to share, instead of demeaned and enslaved.
A willingness to play (reasonably) with boundaries has always been a sign to me that I was in presence of a true professional, and frankly, a mature woman at the top of her game.
October 4th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
boundaries in relationships…
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