sex and the single escort
comments
66 Responses to “sex and the single escort”
Leave a Reply
Your e-mail address is not collected, used or listed with your comment.
When writing your comment, you can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
My Tweets- amanda_brooks: @AllyFiesta Yes. Very. It's anti-prostitution rhetoric under the guise of anti sex trafficking.
- amanda_brooks: @Doctor_David I'm going to. Part of the big plan. :)
- amanda_brooks: Finished "The Industrial Vagina" by Shelia Jeffreys. This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
- amanda_brooks: @Riley_Nicole Thank you! On its way. Slowwwwlllllyyyyy :)
- amanda_brooks: @thebellasecret Thank you! I discussed it from a marketing perspective but not a "what do you do with the time?" perspective. Blog idea!
Geeky
I've discovered the pleasure of working with Brian Gardner's WP themes. His Revolution is mind-blowing and he's actually a nice guy. Although his work is easy to use right out of the box, there's infinite fun to be had by customizing (i.e., destroying) it. As you can see here.
I think your summation is dead-on: dating is tough in and of itself. It’s a wonder any of us manage to get together, really.
Thanks for this perspective – frank, honest and sharp.
Beth
Oh. My. God. What an *awful* bunch of choices. They look and sound dead-on real and true. Which is even *more* awful.
Mind you, I speak as a guy who wasn’t ready to marry til age 32 — and got it wrong, was divorced 4 years later — and then got it right at age 40 (life begins at 40) almost 20 years ago, but who could have been utterly certain at the time that it would turn out to be right? I know that I’m as much Mr. Glass House as anybody else.
Like you said so rightly, Beth, dating is tough all by itself.
But this too? Oh God.
Just in case it’s not clear: I’m not pitying, I’m not drawing conclusions, I’m not drawing anything. I’m just — oh, God.
Beth,
Thank you! As someone who writes about their own dating trials, I know you appreciate this!
RSRD,
Awful maybe, but I do hope you’re laughing. This isn’t me whining, just me attempting to be darkly humourous while being honest. And like you, I’m maturing as well. Gives me perspective — I could not have written this a few years ago.
XX
Dark humor? OK, dark humor I understand. (”Just because you’re paranoid … doesn’t mean that no one’s out to get you …” )
I had a thought, though, while mulling this overnight. A theme I feel I’ve noticed through many posts is “personal autonomy.” To paraphrase, No one owns me but me … no one gets to make my decisions but me. (Which strikes me as a truth that is head-shakingly obvious, but which also bewilders and/or terrifies many others — both men and women, alas.)
I have also noticed this theme in a particular “structure” for social-romantic-sexual relationships that I’ve encountered (on the Web, not in person). The “structure” (or perhaps “category”) is called “polyamory.”
The usual definition of polyamory has to do with having multiple committed loving relationships at the same time, with the conscious knowledge and consent of all involved. In good polyamorous relationships, I gather, “jealousy” and “envy” are acknowledged openly as potential issues and get discussed before things blow up.
Perhaps — *perhaps* — a man who can handle polyamory might be able to handle having a committed loving relationship with an escort he has not hired.
I’m offering this thought tentatively, partly because I can’t speak about handling multiple sexual relationships at the same time from personal experience, and partly because I don’t want even to seem to be “telling you what to do.” I respect your autonomy, and I want it to be clear that I do.
If this is a new thought for you, and if you would like me to say anything more about it, please feel free to let me know. Of course, “google” and “polyamory” would probably let you find out for yourself as much (as little) as I already know!
Best wishes,
RSRD
RSRD,
I prefer the concept of open relationships. I’ve tried having a number of lovers at one time and getting emotionally-involved with multiple people has drawbacks as far as energy-draining goes and how the individual relationships develop. So I’m back to the open-relationship model.
For me, that means I have one lover, and we’re both free to pursue sexual interestes outside of the relationship but not getting overly involved with these people. I’ve wanted open relationships since I was young but boyfriends would recoil in terror when I’d suggest it. I’ve had better luck as I’ve gotten older (and as the age/life experience of my lovers increased as well).
I don’t like to use the term polyamory simply because it already comes with a standard set of definitions and practices. I prefer to create my own path since that suits me best — as you’ve noticed
Not that tossing in the “open relationship” thing makes a new relationship any easier to navigate! It requires a very self-honest, self-aware, incredibly secure man.
XX
PS: Anyone reading this who is interested in the concept of open relationships/polyamory would do well to read The Ethical Slut.
This is a brilliant piece. It’s dead-on accurate, by my experience. I am unbelievably fortunate to have two male partners who love and support me, but I have had all those scenarios happen to me, with both male and female partners. Well done.
I was already polyamorous before I started doing sex work and I haven’t had many problems. My pre-existing partners are happy for me that I’ve found lucrative work that I enjoy and one of them finds it hot and sexy but not in an over-fetishized way. Guys I’ve dated since I started have mostly been fine with it (and by that I mean *actually* fine with it) and some of them think it’s hot while still respecting me as a person, not a fantasy. Even in the polyamory community, there are some people who have issues with it, but, hey, it just means that they weren’t feminist enough to get wth this, anyway, and I’m happy to be made aware of that information sooner rather than later. Polyamory for the win!
Mistress Matisse,
THANK YOU! [my mouth hanging open in shock and awe]
Rhythm,
Nice to have your input. As RSRD suspected, the polyamory community is more open to sex workers. Good to know!
XX
(RSRD chuckles) Silly me, to have thought that you might not have heard of it! What was I thinking?
I’m glad to see MM’s applause, and to see her and R’s encouraging words. They helped me see your post for the wry observation that I think you meant it to be. (Thank you, ladies.)
Again, best wishes from this ignorant civilian.
RSRD
I do not think any of us in “the trade” could have said it any better.
‘Just adding a note; I’m just finding your blog and finding it entertaining and insightful. It is so good to see that there are others like myself out there experiencing the same or similar scenarios. I cannot thank you enough for sharing!
Amazing text. Dark humour at its best, indeed.
The fear of scenario B (dating a civilian), sub-clause A: Tell, outcome B (the bad one) is what kept me single for the last 3 years or so. I don’t want to hide who I am.
And I am too invested in my current career, and the dreams, and self-actualization it provides to face the idea of restarting my life if things go wrong. Yes, I do have a plan B in mind if that ever happens – but it doesn’t mean I am emotionally ready for it. Being single is the evil I know and am comfortable with, for now. Especially since I have seen enough people finding personal happiness later in life.
P.S. Oh, and before being single? Tried the dating a married client route. Ouch.
RSRD,
Elle,
Thank you. Big part of the reason I’m sharing.
Thais,
Yes and yes. Glad you enjoyed this!
XX
Are you seriously trying to pretend that anyone wants to date and have a serious relationship with a prostitute? They do not. There are any number of words that occur to a guy when thinking about having sex with a woman after she has sold herself. Sloppy seconds for one. I could go on. We have a bunch of them. You are kidding yourself if you think some guy wants a serious relationship with you. Prostitution must really screw with your head.
Amanda,
TomTee is wrong. I will always love you unconditionally. I will always admire your beauty and Texas charm.
Sounds pretty mono-amorous to me. Which reminds me of …
THEODOTUS. Caesar: you are a stranger here, and not conversant with our laws. The kings and queens of Egypt may not marry except with their own royal blood. Ptolemy and Cleopatra are born king and consort just as they are born brother and sister.
BRITANNUS (shocked). Caesar: this is not proper.
THEODOTUS (outraged). How!
CAESAR (recovering his self-possession). Pardon him. Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
– George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra, Act II
TomTee,
Regardless of how many fun little names you throw at women, we do date other people, this was not a fantasy-based post. Without even knowing you, I can safely say that prostitution screws with your head more than mine.
So bug off.
Agent009,
Thank you!
RSRD,
Ha! Thanks for the civil explanation. Some people live on very, very tiny islands.
Oh, the term I was thinking of was gallows humour. Sort of the same thing as dark humour, but not quite. Took me a couple days to think of it.
XX
Unfortunately, Mono-Amorous Island is a big one — which is another reason why its natives have trouble seeing anything else. (And which is also why its resident aliens — people who are capable of loving more than one person at a time! — can have so much trouble finding others they can meet face-to-face.)
“Gallows humor.” Of course. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh!
Going in a more positive direction, I had come across Mistress Matisse’s name from time to time, but not being into D/S I hadn’t gone further.
However, I recently happened to hear her on Cunning Minx’s podcast, Polyamory Weekly (, episodes 105 & 106 (April 2007, OK so I’m behind and catching up!). Lovely voice and lovely heart/attitude. The wealth of experience and wisdom I heard in her conversation with Minx led me to see, in my mind’s eye, a mature woman — probably in her 40s at least.
I was very pleasantly surprised a few days later, when I wandered onto her web site and found that her photos showed a lady as lovely in appearance as she had been in voice and heart and attitude.
“Where do I find other Polys” is a recurring theme on Minx’s podcast. Episode 150 (April 2008) focuses on “Five Places To Meet Polys”, but many feedback e-mails and voice mails also say in effect “I keep hearing about these great hotbeds of poly, but I’m stuck in Podunk-by-Poly, and what can I do?
Minx’s site has a forum where like-minded people might discover each other, as well as links and other resources for ditto.
She also has a link to the Swingercast podcast (), which I also follow and enjoy. The forum there also has many posts saying “We want to do this stuff, but we can’t find anyone near us!” It looks like the only Swingercast Forum members who have NSA sex more frequently than 2x or 3x/year are those who happen to live in cities with active and attractive on-site clubs (such as Los Angeles or Seattle).
John and Allie, who host the podcast, do organize “meetups” at Desire (Cancun) and at the annual SwingFest in Florida. (They book blocks of rooms to get group-rate discounts for their forum members.) It looks like many forum members in more “isolated” areas look forward to these gatherings as the highlight of their year.
Everybody has a hard time finding people; but at least the people using these resources (polys and swingers) are able to talk with like-minded people as they look. Strikes me as a much better search strategy than accepting random dates or going to the club that (randomly) happens to be nearby.
I hated dating.
Amanda,
Your writing style continues to evolve into one of the most reflective and sincere efforts on the Internet. While we try to rationalize the scenarios and outcomes, social interaction by its nature is unpredictable. As long as the light burns inside there is hope for us all to learn from one another. become more tolerant, and extend a helping hand.
Oh my goodness, TomTee, don’t fob off your hangups on men in general!
“…There are any number of words that occur to a guy when thinking about having sex with a woman after she has sold herself…”
One of them is….WOW. Often another is AMAZING. Another is THANKS! A phrase that often comes to mind is ’so THATS what I was missing!??’ Yet another phrase is ‘When can I see you again?’. Still another isn’t expressed with words at all…just a hug, a smile, and a gentle kiss.
There are many reasons why people do what they do for a living. And just as many reasons for people to fall in love, like, lust, or just general togetherness with those people.
Sheesh. What a grump you are.
Well said Amanda and I am so glad you have an understanding and loving partner in your life. It doesn’t get much better than that.
RSRD,
I’ve been a fan of Mistress Matisse for a long time. She is so wise and very open-minded, not to mention very smart! One day I hope to meet her.
I still prefer to do my hunting the old-fashioned way: track it down and, well, not kill it in this case.
It’s far more important for me to find someone with whom I mesh well and generally I prefer people who do NOT identify with any “community” but instead just lead their lives. Then I open their minds. Maybe it’s the hard way of doing it. I just prefer not to date someone whose defining characteristic is that they belong to a community of sexual preferences.
The size of the island I was thinking of was TomTee’s island. Very very tiny.
Yellowstone,
Thank you. I hope to at least present another viewpoint for people to think about.
Juan,
BIG hugs and kisses to you! Beautifully said. I have no doubt that you’re a favorite client of the ladies you see. We like positive, supportive people with your attitude. If you ever start a blog, let us know.
David,
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed this.
XX
Saw Tom Tee’s comment.
You know, I have several good female friends. They are not escorts – they are regular women in the mid to late 20s whom I met in University and elsewhere. One girl is married with a baby, another Christian and was a virgin for a very long time, etc. – women who cannot be labeled “sluts”, the “good girls”.
And they would kick in the balls a guy who used the word “sloppy seconds” on any woman. Much less date him.
Because that term represents contempt for what women choose to do with their sexuality and attempt to morally control those choices. And socially progressive “good girls”, from what I have seen, despise such kind of behaviour.
Amanda, the word “community” is used to describe all sorts of social networks with a common interest shared by all. It can be about sexual/romantic orientation or just about anything else. We’ve all heard the term “community” used to describe folks interested in everything from wine tasting to belly dance to playing Scrabble. To assume that anyone who identifies with a certain social network has no identity of their own or is not involved in any other social activities is closed-minded. You’re going to miss out on a lit of fantastic individuals that way!
I can tell you from experience as well as observation that trying to convert someone to ethical nonmonogamy is a near-impossible endeavor. Dating someone who already identifies that way is far easier.
Amanda,
This was a very interesting post. Due to societal boxes in general, which seems so unacceptable of sex workers, I can not imagine what it would be to live in shadows. At least here in the States. I wondered how you could have a regular life as a sex worker. I can tell you it is just as difficult to have a regular life even if you are not in the profession.
I have been involved in all aspects of the client side. I consider myself as a “regular” married woman of some years. I have lived within a closed triad relationship and now in a “open” marriage. Which is not as “open” as everyone would think.
For my intellectual and emotional well being I need to be involved with more than one love. No one person has it all, even me. LOL I have found and been found by like minded people who understand acceptance, respect, trust and yes, love. I have found it within three communities; polyamory, swing and male companionship. In all three there is no question, wonderment or intrusion of my life, “it is what it is.” I decide how, who, when and what I share.
I believe patience is what makes the difference. Patience for trust and knowledge of another person. I agree with Rhythm, you can not convert someone into ethical sluthood. I don’t need to. From experience like finds like. Especially once you take the time to stand still and BE.
Thais,
Yes indeed. When someone applies a sexually-pejorative term to one woman, it means they hold that view of all women. Excellent point.
Rhythm,
I could go on about my issues with “community” but of the communities I’ve observed from the fringes, the only one I wish to be a part of is the sex worker rights community. Otherwise, I’m not a “community” person. I’ve met poly-community men and have no interest. As I think I already said, I may be taking the harder road but it suits me better. I don’t like dating community-minded people. Not saying communities don’t work for people (they obviously do), I simply don’t choose that path for myself. Some of my dating issues may have arisen from that, but I doubt most of them have. Nor do most people consciously identify as belonging to some sort of community.
NoGNoG,
Apparently my use of the word “convert” struck everyone’s ears. Perhaps “turn out” would be a better word. No, if someone is not inclined to an open relationship, they can’t be forced into it and I don’t do that (never said I did). I have found a couple men who are inclined that way but haven’t had the willing partner to try it out. Enter me.
Though I very much would like to be a client (for a number of reasons), I’m really not interested in the community thing. Can’t stress this enough. My private and personal life is not a community effort and I have NO desire for it to be. I know what I want and I already know it’s not to be found amongst anyone who refers to their sexuality as a “lifestyle”.
XX
Amanda, please stop referring to polyamory as a form of sexuality. Being polyamorous has nothing to do with what kind of sex one likes, with what gender(s), how often, etc. I don’t care for the term “lifestyle,” either, but when one’s way of loving is rejected by society as much or more so than LGBTQ, yeah, we tend to form support networks. That doesn’t mean that we deserve your snarky put-downs based on assumptions about us that we are hung up on a label. That is no more true of poly folks than it is of people who identify as part of the sex worker rights community.
I know it’s hip and cool to resist being a joiner, but frankly, I get tired of hearing, “But don’t you get jealous?” from non-poly types every single time I discuss my life with my partners in *exactly* the same manner they do theirs.
Rhythm,
I wasn’t being snarky. Sorry it came across that way. The poly people I met referred to themselves in the way I’ve used the terms. Perhaps you can understand why it was off-putting to me. (Most people do seem to view it as a sexuality.)
That being said…I don’t wish for a poly relationship, merely an open one. I do think there is a difference and I explained what I think the difference is in one of my earlier comments. Yes, I think poly works for some people — obviously. If someone reading this hasn’t looked into a poly group, they might wish to because it sounds like fun to them — and I hope it sparks that idea in the right person. All I’ve ever said was it’s not for me.
As for people being hung up on a label…there IS a lot of labeling within communities — one reason why I resist the idea of “community”. You haven’t gotten me started on the whole priveledge or hiearchy thing in sex work yet. I’m guilty of labeling sexually-based communities too. Based on my life experiences (and I’ve met quite a few people), I don’t wish to have a serious relationship with anyone who puts a label on themselves in this way.
I’m dying laughing that you think I’m trying to be “cool” by not being a joiner. “Cool” has never been used to describe me and “cool” is never something I’ve aspired to in my entire life. Not being “a joiner” is who I am. Period. If you think I follow trends or espouse ideas just to be cool, you haven’t been paying attention in class.
This got way off track but in re-reading the first paragraph of the post, this wasn’t just me writing about my relationships, it was me talking about being an escort and trying to have a relationship based on my experiences and stories I’ve heard. A lot more women have silently contributed to this piece than you may realize. Most of these women have even less desire than me to join a community of people just to find a partner. They may join a local non-profit or political campaign or their arts community as part of their lives but most wish to find a partner on their own terms and naturally as part of their own lives. (Finding sex partners is different than relationship partners.)
That’s what I prefer too. It’s the least-contrived option. It’s not the easiest path, as I’ve noted. Understand too, that many escorts are happy to retire when they find the relationship that works for them, which means they have different expectations of their relationship than you or I might.
XX
Hmmm… there seems to be a problem. Am I now blocked from commenting?
I totally get not being a “joiner,” because I’m not one too. (I’m also totally inept at negotiating.)
Brava for the gallows humor in your original post (now that I’m closer to getting that — closer than I was initially). Gallows humor does help stressed people manage the stress, doesn’t it?
If he’s savvy, a guy eventually learns when he should not push solutions, but just shut up and listen — really listen..
Best wishes.
Rhythm,
You are not blocked from my end. I don’t check my spam filter so try again, especially if your comment was long. The only people I’ve ever blocked were not you. Not even close
RSRD,
Poking gentle fun at former military not being a “joiner”
Gallows humour is it. Took me a while to understand it as well.
Listening is always good advice in relationships. Always.
XX
“Joiner”: I was in college when they re-started the draft lottery during the Nixon Administration. They pulled my birthday out of the fishbowl on the 27th try. If I had done nothing, I would have been handed an offer I couldn’t refuse: an all-expenses-paid vacation to fabulous Vietnam, humping a rifle through rice paddies while hoping someone else would be the one to step on the punji stick.
Instead, I went to sea as a naval officer on nuclear submarines. Nobody was shooting at me, and I got to sleep in a clean-and-dry bunk. The lesser evil.
I then proceeded to persuade myself that I was being painted into this corner as part of a Grand Cosmic Plan. Got to, y’know? Got to. It took a few years before both I and the Navy figured out just how wrong I was.
(And I got a “counseling letter” in my service jacket when I refused to join the Officer’s Club. The local Admiral wanted to keep it a mummified 19th century Old Boy’s club, and it was shedding members faster than a tree sheds leaves in autumn, while a hot and lively joint on base was packed with lively young officers. The Admiral figured he could keep it alive if he “strongly urged” those young officers to become members — and pay its membership fees. I think most of them folded, and joined. Gutless wimps.)
Still listening. Stay safe. I hope you had a happy Valentine’s Day. <3
RSRD,
Thanks for your history. I sense a bit of gallows humour in here too.
Totally forgot that you came of age with a different military institution than the one I’m familiar with — especially the draft. No, not a joiner at all!
I can’t even put myself in your shoes. I would have gone nuts, I think. But that’s a whole different discussion. (The draft part, not the “nuts” part.)
XX
Yeah, to all.
And I did kinda go nuts. But then, “When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?”
— Miguel de Cervantes, in the musical “Man of La Mancha”
The Grand Cosmic Plan was the core of my own particular way of going nuts.
Stay warm.
OK, I’m going to try posting my comment in short pieces since I tried no less than three times to no avail. :-/
Amanda,
I sincerely apologize if I’ve come off as trying to convince you to try polyamory. That has never been my intent. But you didn’t just say it wasn’t for you. You’ve been critical of anyone who identifies as polyamorous because, in my view, you have misconceptions about it.
Bleah. I can only post one or two sentences at a time.
Rhythm,
I don’t like a lot of things. People who idenitify as poly aren’t disliked, per se, I’m just unimpressed by it all. They aren’ t the only ones. I don’t have to like everyone and everything, perceived misconceptions or no. You can eat all the brussel sprouts you want, I know they aren’t for me.
Have you changed your browser or cookies or anything? You were posting longer comments before. I haven’t touched my blog settings in a couple years.
RSRD,
Traveling to warmer climes right now!
XX
Bon voyage
Interesting…
I make a difference between social monogamy and sexual monogamy (gleaned from reading the book The Myth of Monogamy). Social monogamy is basically the legal and social benefits of being married.
At some point, I know that I want someone to be socially monogamous and intimate in the long-term with, and I believe/hope that with the right guy, this can transcend a phase of sexual non-monogamy (my relatively brief career as an escort- I doubt I will be doing this in my 50s).
I think that often, the sexually-non-monogamous wife gets over-fetishized (i.e., the “hotwife” and cuckold relationships), and that’s probably not what you’re looking for. I’ve tried it in the past, it left me feeling very insecure (but opened my mind to escorting). Too many pressures, labels, boxes, whatever…
It just is alot for a guy to wrap his head around that relationships with clients are on totally different paths (so there’s no thinking of “Tom” when you’re with your boyfriend), and that the intimacy within temporary liaisons can be profound, but pragmatically non-threatening to the more longterm relationship.
Money and the culture of escorting set important boundaries in these “alternative” relationships, and so I wouldn’t want a totally open-relationship unless he were also charging for his time. That would be very unlikely
I really liked your line: “The people-experiences and self-knowledge you develop as an escort set you far apart from ordinary women. You may look and act ordinary on the surface but if you were indeed ordinary — you wouldn’t be an escort in the first place. Not being ordinary makes relationships tough because your needs and expectations aren’t anything he’s encountered before.” — that is SO true, even from the 5 months or so I’ve been escorting!
Just as when i wasnt an escort i have found that relationships find me and not the other way around and I dont make rules for myself “date” “dont date” i just live and if i find someone special then i consider myself lucky and i go with the flow.
My civvie friends have just as difficult time finding quality men to date as my escort friends. It just hard out there no matter what side of the fence you are on.
Nice read, enjoyed it very much.
xo
Jenny
Jenny,
Glad you enjoyed this.
Relationships are difficult no matter what, throwing in the escort baggage just makes it harder. Sometimes a girl wants to take matters in her own hands and seek out a partner, other times life just happens.
Can’t think of any civilian friends I have that I can compare myself to, honestly. But I do have PLENTY of escort dating stories!
XX
Well, well, well, not only is she beautiful – she’s also very clever. I suppose I am going to have to go and buy your book now Amanda, I have been meaning to forever. Do you remember your ole buddy Kerstynsmilz? I’ve always wondered how you were and here I find your blog googling random bs, feeling nostolgic and find you. Must be fate, please email when you can it’s been too long. And, btw.. I am a mommy now to a beautiful 10 month girl, my personal love story.
Alright, your current blog….
Oh, how I have been through almost each scenario you’ve painted for us here, I’ve come to the conclusion at 38 that I would rather be a little lonely now and then and stick with my indulgences as a provider. My favorite gentlemen fill a place for me a boyfriend has yet to reach. It’s just too much work, and I’ve grown into my independence as a provider that I saw in you 8 years ago when you were 8 years younger than I. You’ve always been a wise soul. Bravo… keep up the blog, your brain is quite lovely and your honesty is refreshing. friends always Kerstyn
thinking back, it’s been more like 5 years since I have seen you last not 8. ps bbwsunshine3xd@gmail.com http:/www.freewebs.com/bbwsunshine
Nice read. I have become friends with several ladies in this business and have watched/listened as a number of them have gone through dating periods–some serious and some casual. I can see much of what you say in what they have been through.
Getting to Outcome 1A is hard work. But then I think that is true for non-escorts as well. I have 3 friends who reached a 1A kind of outcome and all three retired to try and give it the best chance of working out long term. So far so good for all of them.
Thanks for a very interesting piece of writing–I have already jotted down the URL and will send it to two ladies struggling with this right now. Is it OK for them to contact you privately if they want to talk more about the topic with you?
Kerstyn,
Of course I remember you! And have often wondered how you were. I lost track of you somewhere in Chicago. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.
Thank you for liking my little post here. Though I haven’t spoken to you personally (in at least 5 years if not 6!), my little scenarios are from common experience. Such as it is. Sigh.
Will email you shortly.
Old-T,
Thanks for reading!
Scenario 1 Outcome A is difficult for every human being, escorts reach it more rarely than most and yet probably have more to offer than most — this is the cry of frustration I hear from many escorts (myself included). Yes, feel free to share the link with the ladies you know and I’ll be happy to talk to them via email, not that I have a great deal of hidden wisdom I haven’t shared here.
XX
I have just discovered your blog and I love it!
I have recently started my own up, but it is at the very baby stages: http://www.sexyeducation.wordpress.com
I think that what you are writing about is at the heart of so many issues, i wish people would open their eyes and stop blinding themselves with stigma.
Nice to meet someone like minded
xxx
Natasha,
I look forward to seeing you address stigma on your blog. It exists in many forms around sex, not just sex work!
XX
“…Juan,
BIG hugs and kisses to you! Beautifully said. I have no doubt that you’re a favorite client of the ladies you see. We like positive, supportive people with your attitude. If you ever start a blog, let us know….”
OK, a day late and a dollar short…never done a blog, but for laughs I’m playing around with one: http://juanclient.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/how-did-i-start/
Not that anyone is going to be particularly enthralled at reading it, but starting a blog is the best advice I have had from anyone recently (Thanks!!) becuase I can go over a few things that have been rattling around my brain in an organized fashion, and in the process of editing try and distill down what I really think.
And since it is anonymous, I can do so to my heart’s content….without cluttering up the commons, so-to-speak…
Juan,
How wonderful! Thank you for posting your blog link. I’m very sure that several readers from here will become fans of yours.
More than one person uses a blog (public/private/anonymous) as really cheap group therapy. I think you’re going to enjoy writing your thoughts down and working them out as you go along.
XX
Any guy who would date an escprt knowing she was/is an escort is a one sad dude.
After an escort has sucked the cock of hundreds if not thousands of Men, and had cocks of the same in their pussy, and cum from all of those Men on them… there is no way in the bloody HELL I would want to touch that Woman with a 10 foot pole attached to some other guy’s dick, lol.
I’d say, if you were an escort, keep that shit a secret. Don’t tell a guy, because the relationship is more than likely fucked from that point forward, if not over altogether.
In my opinion, once you’ve escorted you’re kind of like a leper. You just can’t be let back into the normal community anymore. You’re WAY beyond damaged goods at that point.
Jim,
And that’s just your opinion. It’s not any sort of proven fact, though I am going to guess which of us is happier with our lives. (Hint: it’s the person who gets laid more.)
So, in accordance to your own philosophy, this must mean you’re a pure virgin? Otherwise, why would any woman want to touch you if you’ve been tainted by having sex with anyone other than yourself?
[...] sex and the single escort [...]
I wonder what it would be like if everyone in this world became either poly or like Amanda “open ” .
Would it stop the wars ?
would it stop jealousy ?
Will there be children?
What will happen to the churches ?
Should it be the new religion / morality replacing current?
Do you think they should pass legislation legalising such arrangements ? I wonder whether poly/open partners should get any rights ?
Kris,
I just wonder what it would be like if everyone was honest with themselves about what they really want out of a relationship. That’s all I’m after. (I KNOW what I want and I’m very upfront about that with partners. They can take it or leave it.) Religion is a factor only because it’s responsible for an often-repressive model of adult romantic relationships responsible for an awful lot of unhappiness in society.
Self-honesty means there will still be a whole spectrum of relationships, but hopefully w/o a lot of the problems plaguing relationships based on an non-realistic model of sexual fidelity as the measure of the relationship. Human nature is mostly non-monogamous so yes, I think people being more open to non-traditional relationships means we’ll have a much happier population (because relationships are very important to most human beings).
Having a happier population will lead to a lot of very good consequences. I don’t think that’s a stretch of imagination at all.
If I could legislate self-awareness, self-honesty, open-mindedness and waiting to start a family until one is fully an adult — I would. But we all know how much people like laws controlling their lives.
However, none of the tired points you raised were the point of my post. At all.
XX
Just found your blog. Hypothetical question; if you found a single guy, you met professionally, whom you were very compatible with in nearly every way – intellectually, physically, emotionally, common interest, sexually, lots of great times together and he asked you to be in an exclusive arrangemtent with him. And, by exclusive, he meant that you would only a provider only to him for a mutually agreeable extended time and he also had the resources to meet your financial and agreed to provide for your financial security. Would you take him up on his offer? If so, why; if not, why not and what reasoning and thoughts would go into your decision
Benjamin,
I would seriously consider it. Most girls would. Assuming both of us got along really well on a personal level, it would be very good for all concerned. For me, it if wasn’t working personally, then probably not. That would be too much like marriage!
XX
In my opinion, your reply was “spot on”. If there is no personal, emotional, and/or intellectual connection, an exclusive arrangement is DOA. If, during a 24 hour period, you spend 4 hours on foreplay, actual intercourse, and snuggle time, then are asleep for 6-8 hours, that still leaves 12-14 hours that there has to be a lot of commonality. I have seen provider ads that had yearly rates of between $750,000 and $1.5 Million. Even with that amount of financial commitment, if there is no bonding, the arrangement will dissolve very quickly. Or conversly, if the guy feels as if he is being taken advantage of because of the lack of personal connections, he will decide the arrangement is not worth it. But, I strongly believe that it is possible for an exclusive arrangement to work for an extended time and be the basis for a great relationship.
OK, so you’re 0 for 3 dating clients. If you’re still single, you’re 0 for N in the “real world,” too, so does that mean you aren’t going to ever date again? If you go by the number of strike-outs, then anyone will have struck out more often in the real world than with clients.
With respect to online dating, online dating works if you go about it right. If you are looking for someone who is intelligent, write a profile that makes you appear intelligent and don’t post photos that say, “Boink me.” Then expect the process to take a while. As you’ve already noticed, lot’s of guys are after sex, so you get lots of emails about sex. On the other hand, guys get very few replies and even fewer from women who are datable, so it’s a numbers game even though the game differs in how each side needs to play.
Beenthere,
Good point. I haven’t toted up my non-client relationships, there have only been a few more (relationships, not booty calls or one-night stands). However, clients are such a big taboo for us that I made a point of talking about my experience there. Everyone who isn’t happily with a partner has struck out with relationships otherwise — I guess. The metric of success may differ with individuals.
I tried online dating both from the intelligent side and from the sex-only side. Both results were dismal. Really really dismal. I was honest in my ads (aside from not posting revealing or full-face photos and not disclosing I’m a sex worker). Men are nowhere within shouting distance of honest in their ads. This might just be Vegas since that’s where the bulk of my online dating attempts were. Still, I’ll just leave the Internet for work.
XX
The men who describe escorts as “damaged goods” or “sloppy seconds” absolutely drive me up the wall. They wouldn’t consider dating someone who has had protected sex yet they pick up girls weekly who may have never used condoms. The logic just boggles mind. And as Amanda pointed out to one of the commentors, it’s easy to tell who is much happier and fulfilled in their life.
Ghosthorse,
Exactly. Sex workers are FAR more risk-averse than the average person on the street (or bar).
And thank you!
XX
WOw. this blog was really interesting. I had posted an ad for the first time on craigslist in the romance “women seeking women” section. So out of the 30 responses I got – I decided I liked this 1 girl in particular the most. She was the smartest, one of the prettiest, and a super good flirt and somehow knew everything that I liked. So after a month we decided to be a lil more serious. She initiated that we have a 1 on 1 relationship and insisted she was “wifey.” I kept having the same dream though that she was selling sex online…so I googled her phone number. THen I saw alllllllll the threads and posts of her and her pretend escort name and her phone number next to her naked pics all over! I was like daaaang. She even had her own website. I asked her about her other name and does she still work……..and well she denied even knowing the name or the website. We still talk,…but she has yet to bring up her REAL work or admit to what she does for a living. She still calls everyday…..I listen,….but I really dont understand her motives with me.
hmmm,
I don’t understand her motives either. I’m guessing she’s been badly burned before but…why use the same phone number for everything? Glad you took the sudden revelation fairly well.
If you like her, keep talking to her. If nothing else, you may end up with an interesting friend.
XX
Amanda, I finished my dissertation and would like to share it with you. Thank you for everything! Hope all is going well. Please send me an email at sloan@mnstate.edu and I will send you an electronic copy. Geraldine Hendrix-Sloan
Geraldine,
Nice to hear from you! Can’t wait to find out more, will email you today. Thanks for posting this, maybe anyone else who participated will read and email you too.
XX