Because my post on what you pay for with an escort devolved into a discussion on dating an escort (not the original intent of the post) and then into a discussion on men/women/relationships in general, I thought I’d give you a feeling of what it’s like to be a single escort based on my experiences and those of escorts I know. (Since I like men, this is from the traditional perspective of male/female romantic relationships.)
Scenario 1: Dating a client
You hit it off with a client. Really really hit it off. Sparks fly and you’re pretty sure it’s mutual. It takes a few more appointments to really be sure that yes, it’s real. The more you reveal of yourself, the better it gets. Everything about him is check marks across the board. So do you break the biggest taboo and get involved? He already knows what you do for a living so that conversation, at least, is not one you’ll need to have. He may have to overcome his own preconceived notions about you, like you never have a bad mood or might not really be all that fascinated by his job. The fantasy aspect of escort work is strong enough that sometimes being “real” is enough to be a deal-breaker.
Sub-clause A: The married client
Since the vast majority of your clients are married, chances are he is too. Don’t do this. Wait till he’s divorced, recovered and ready for a normal relationship. He may actually leave his wife for you. Not good. Unless you’re ready to be the free girlfriend of a married man (and this may actually suit you just fine if you’re commitment-shy), it’s really best if he keeps paying you. Become his mistress instead. Don’t count on his speedy divorce to move your relationship along because divorcing his current wife is way more expensive than you’ll ever be.
Sub-clause B: The single client
The rare single client is a find! But wait…why is he still single? Married to his job? If you’re commitment-shy, this may work out great for both of you. If you’re looking to settle down, maybe not so well. Is he single simply because he hasn’t found The One? Hmm…this could be promising…
Sub-clause C: The divorced client
If he’s been divorced for years, he may actually be ready for a real relationship and may have gained some wisdom in the process. If he’s freshly divorced, there will be some issues that rear their very ugly heads later on. Or maybe not so later. Better keep this one as a client.
After the initial evaluation of where you and he are in your respective lives, you decide to make the move. He may’ve danced around this topic already but chances are he’s a good client and good clients let the lady make her own decisions.
It worked! Now you’re happily dating. Hopefully he’s not the sort to crow about it on discussion boards and you both start living your relationship.
As always, getting involved impacts your work. Despite popular myth, relationships affect your work, not the other way around. You’d rather spend time with someone you like and who likes you, someone who really knows you instead of a persona, someone for whom you can show up in sweats and it’s not going to hurt their image of you, someone whom talking to is effortless and stimulating, someone with whom the sex is hothothot and deeply fulfilling — in short, not a client. So you slack off and do just enough to pay the bills. Love is always more important than money.
Sub-clause D: Don’t take offense, clients
The whole point of a relationship with one other special person is that the relationship is supposed to be special and far beyond the ordinary, everyday experience. When your everyday work is about connecting with others and sharing intimate moments, it not only raises your own standards/expectations of what you want out of a relationship, it means that when you find someone who hits or exceeds that mark — it really blows your mind. We’re talking a very, very rare person. Like Iberian Lynx rare.
Scenario 1 outcome A:
It just keeps getting better and better. It never stops. You’ve found a friend, a supporter, a fan and someone worth loving. Any woman thinks of settling down when she finds that perfect match. Given what you know about men and the issues of being an escort, the likelihood of you finding someone like this again is miniscule. What to do next? Some might retire. Others might keep as they are. Others may get married. Whatever you do, you’re doing it with him. And he’s with you every step of the way.
Scenario 1 outcome B:
The most likely thing to happen is that it blows up. One day you discover he has serious issues about your work. It may be disguised as “concerns” (e.g. safety, health, financial, etc) but it’s really that he has issues with your work. On rare occasions, escort relationships are really with two incompatible people, but given that escorts know people and usually know when things click, the most common reason things go downhill is that he has issues with your work. Sometimes these issues may surprise him as it digs up stuff he never even thought about. Not that it matters much — you’re the focus of the problems and there goes the relationship.
As an added bonus, that you met him as a client is just more relationship-ammunition for him. Another bonus is that you can now re-focus on your work, though frankly, work is the last place you want to be. An alternate ending to this is Scenario 2 sub-clause A outcome B.
You decide not to date clients.
Scenario 2: Dating a civilian
You try online dating because, well, it seems so easy! Turns out that although escorts are supposed to be honest in their advertising, men looking for free sex partners aren’t nearly so honest. You have to figure out whether they’re married first before you can starting doing the criminal background check. After finally finding one who seems to be a normal human being you may actually want to spend time with, he shows up and looks like nothing the photos from 10 years ago on his ad.
Scenario 2b: Sugar Daddies
You try one of those sites. Turns out it’s full of really cheap bad clients. If you’re going to earn money for dating, it’s easier to just stick with your work. Your escort rates are higher and your clients are better than these guys.
Real life turns out to be the answer, as it always is. You meet some eligible men and things happen. You start dating. How long will your flimsy cover story about your so-called day job hold up? Should you tell or not?
Sub-clause A: Tell
You bite the bullet and tell.
A) He thinks it’s cool. He’s intrigued. Whew. The sex gets better too! Things will progress until it ends. See Scenario 1 outcome A or B.
B) He can’t get past it. Everything blows up. Oh well, you didn’t have too much emotionally-invested in someone you couldn’t be honest with anyway. Wait, does he know where you live? Your real name? Your online identity? Is he going to go away or become a stalker?
Sub-clause A outcome A:
He goes away, you pick again from the scenarios.
Sub-clause A outcome B:
He doesn’t go away. You get a lawyer, a dog, move away, restart your life and your business. You may even get the police involved (worse — he gets the police involved.). You learn about skip-tracing, TOR, privacy, etc. At the very least, you now have a whole new field of knowledge and know who your real friends are! It’s also very likely you have some added baggage when you consider dating anyone ever again. You consider finding a therapist, but that’s a lot like dating. We know how that goes!
Sub-clause B: Don’t tell
You invent a better cover story or just get more mysterious. Things go great but there’s the suspense of all your lies hanging over your head. Because you can’t totally be yourself around him or introduce all your friends to him, the relationship is a bit shallow. But it’s a relationship!
Most of the time these relationships just fade away or stop working or whatever. There are a few escorts who are married and do this secretly. Most don’t. Most normal people don’t really need the added stress in their lives. (Do not read the Tracy Quan/Nancy Chan books as a realistic relationship template.)
When this ends — and it will — you pick from one of the scenarios again. Unless it ends like Scenario 2 sub-clause A outcome B because he found out.
Forget trying to start a relationship. Maybe it would just be easier to use the Internet for what’s it’s really for: SEX!
Scenario 3: Using civilians for sex
So you join some sites (swinger groups or sites like AdultFriendFinder). You naively think that a woman looking for no-strings-attached (NSA) sex would have a really easy time of it online. That is, if one were able to judge chemistry through the screen. And if men were honest about basic things like their height or sexual experience or fitness level.
The few men you do hook up with aren’t anything to tell your girlfriends about. Most of the time, you leave them thinking you should’ve been paid because you got nothing out of it. Your favorite clients are way more fun than this and treat you better too. (If you live in a tourist town, like Vegas, chances are strong that the men you like best live in states you never visit.)
Thinking out of the box, you try CraigsList Casual Encounters and discover that not only are the men posting there psycho, many of them want relationships. Isn’t that what the Misc Romance section is for?
You try sex clubs. Not as much sex goes on as one might hope for. And quality is out the window.
Your Internet dating attempts teach you that illiterate men are a huge turn-off.
Scenario 4: Other Options
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speaking from experience
I’ve pursued relationships with three clients. That’s finally been enough for me to learn my lesson. (One might still read this blog, one only read a post which referred to him and the third does not read this blog at all.)
I’ve tried SeekingArrangement too. All I can say — made me appreciate the self-honesty of actual clients.
I’ve used the Internet (like CraigsList and swingers’ groups) to find NSA sex partners. With very rare exception this is an utter waste of time/energy. At this point I’m just saving my money so I can book an overnight with a male escort. And waiting to see a broader selection at the Shady Lady.
Yes, I have stories. They would fill another blog.
why is it so hard for escorts?
The reason for all this angst? Real relationships are difficult. Period.
Then you mix in his beliefs/issues about sex, women’s sexuality, his relationship to money, stereotypes about sex work/sex workers, his friends, his family and it gets much, much more difficult. (Extra difficulty-points if either/both of you have ex-spouses/children.)
Then add in your own issues, some of them from the very real prejudice and problems you experience as an escort. Some issues arise just because you’re a very experienced woman — far more than the average office co-worker he’s likely to run into. The people-experiences and self-knowledge you develop as an escort set you far apart from ordinary women. You may look and act ordinary on the surface but if you were indeed ordinary — you wouldn’t be an escort in the first place. Not being ordinary makes relationships tough because your needs and expectations aren’t anything he’s encountered before. Some men are very capable of learning and growing. Many are not. And there is no easy well to tell until you’ve taken the chance with him.
Every time you meet someone who sparks your interest, or think about putting yourself out there to meet someone (because you are a human and would very much like some sort of partner) — all this goes through your head over and over again.
Many girls I know don’t date while they’re working. It’s just easier that way.