Not sure why I received a spam email about this particular site, but I did. And when I read the site, I had to write a post. (As usual, this is a few months after the fact.)

sugarbaby advertising mall agency pimp or something

The site is incredibly confused about its purpose, but this may have a lot to do with the mentality of the person behind it. It claims to be a sugardaddy/independent escort advertising mall/escort agency site. Further reading clarified things as it really just seems to be a site run by a rather dumb pimp.

His stellar attitude, motivational skills and deep understanding of the business are displayed on the employment page (mind you, this isn’t an agency!) as he explains that having clients paying good money just to sit/talk/cuddle isn’t going to happen and that he has no problem telling his advertisers/employees they’re not worth the rate they want. If I were a pimp, I would ensure my girls made as much as possible. (This also reminds me of another advertising site I’ve discussed.)

Which makes me wonder just how good his pimping skills are. Either that, or he’s simply making an accurate observation about the quality of his clientele, in which case, why bother? Be an indie and not only charge what your little heart desires (without having to give him a free piece of anything), but meet clients who do need the therapy or extended-romance and are willing to pay for it.

He reverses this thinking shortly after by telling girls that they’ll have many types of dates with the clients/SDs off this site, including ones without sex. You mean, ones where the client just pays her to talk and cuddle with him? Really??? But I thought that didn’t happen because he said it didn’t. Wait, my little blonde escort brain is all confused now.

how not to hire an escort

The squicky part begins where he assures potential clients/SDs looking at the model gallery that he has met every girl in person and “personally verified her skills and abilities” He also mentions that he employs these girls, though he just finished explaining how this wasn’t an agency (my head’s starting to hurt). But let’s go back to the in-person interview.

Most reputable agencies will indeed meet their employees in person. Truly good agencies will begin a relationship with each of their employees. Most escort agencies are small businesses with relatively few people involved, leading to everyone getting to know each other. Nothing wrong with it, I think it’s good business. The sole reason it sometimes isn’t good business is because of stupid laws, not because the concept itself isn’t sound.

A good agency never requires casting couch sessions with the employees. Never ever ever. When someone states something like how he “personally verified her skills and abilities” it always makes me wonder if he’s somehow the world’s greatest expert on the human sexual experience and can therefore judge appropriately. If he is, then I’d pay to have a session with him and learn something. If he isn’t…then why does he think he’s entitled to coerce his employees into giving him a freebie? I’m not pointing a finger at just this man, I know full well this is a popular option for men involved in the business, even peripherally (I could go on and on about review-coercion with hobbyists but I won’t right now).

He describes the interview process, which begins completely rationally. Meeting at Starbucks, chatting and answering real escort-related interview questions — all sounds normal. It starts heading south when he then takes the prospective employee/whateever to a hotel room to shoot photos. (My first thought is: if those pix on the site are the ones he took, please hire a professional. My second thought is: maybe those are the pro-pix and the pix he’s talking about are “private” ones.)

After he gets all turned on by taking crappy pictures, he has sex with her. He warns that any girl not willing to have free sex with him doesn’t get hired. Please note he’s offering a job but only if the interviewee has sex with him. She cannot earn income without having free sex with him first, regardless of her feelings toward him. If she does not know another way of earning money as an escort then she’s stuck taking his offer: coerced sex or no work.

He not only considers himself the girl’s first client with the agency/whatever (note to him: clients pay with cash), he writes a review of this first meeting for her profile page. This begs the question if he somehow thinks he is a typical client and therefore interacting with him is tantamount to interacting with all his clients. Coercing sex from escorts is not quite the same as actually being an escort and interacting with actual paying clients. Clients pay with cash. He only offers coerced sex, crap photos and a coffee at Starbucks. (Yeah, my landlord is always impressed when I give her Starbucks instead of a check on rent-day.)

manufactured consent, coercive sex

He charges men a fee to join the non-agency-agency/sugardaddy site. So, basically, gentleman, you’re paying a guy to have coerced sex with the lady you may desire for yourself. Every single girl on the site has had coercive sex with the owner of the site. I’m not going to go so far as calling it a gallery of rape, but the dividing line isn’t that big either. Manufactured consent isn’t anywhere near the same league as just a plain old straight up “yes.”

This article, written by a young man, defines coercive sex well:

Some victim/survivors are coerced into having sex or being sexual. The guy cares about the person he’s with, but cares about the sex more. Her saying “No” is ignored — he continues to ask and ask until her defenses crumble — she might even say, “Yes,” just to get it over with. Her “consent” is therefore coerced and “manufactured” by him.

Every woman has had coercive sex: where you give into the guy just to shut him up or because you don’t want the whining to escalate into actual violence (aka “real” rape). Every single woman I know has had this situation. I guess there are men for whom this is a victory or reaffirmation of his sexiness or…god only knows what the thought-process behind this is. I can’t imagine why anyone wants to have sex with a partner they badgered into it and clearly does not wish to be participating, but then again, I’m female. My perspective is quite different as far as matters of consent and desire go.

I’m obviously a very easy girl. I offer sex in a variety of circumstances — all of which are my choosing. I do not want a situation where my job, income or anything about my life hangs in the balance. That’s not consent. For example, a situation that comes down to “Have sex with me after I took compromising photos of you and I’ll allow you to make income” is not a situation where my genuine consent is part of it. Genuine consent would not involve a job interview at all; and no discussion or worry about my income runs through my or my partner’s heads. Just want to make that very clear to readers.

a quick note on paid consent

This could really veer off into a protracted discussion about being paid to consent to sex (i.e. with clients). A lot of escorts, myself included, would stop the session if we really really did not want to have sex with that particular client (girls who go ahead and do it “just for the money” also tend to end up with misgivings and a lesson learned — but neither do they feel it was the client’s fault if they pushed past their own doubts). Also, we’re the ones who tend to initiate sex. It’s very rare, in my experience, that a client propositions me or attempts to get intimate without me obviously making the first move. And sometimes, clients make it clear after I’ve made a move that they’re not really feeling like it. Clients have boundaries and are also capable of making the decision to give consent.

15 thoughts on “escorts and sexual consent

  1. Uhmmmmm Yeah.

    Really! The term freaking sleaze bag comes to mind……..

    Wow there really are some assholes out there in the world. I honest thought there was not much left to amaze me particularly after the last few years here but really WOW……

    Anyone who would subject another person to this type of abuse; and I use the abuse for a reason, is nothing but a bully of the lowest order. So disturbing this person is consuming valuable oxygen I could be using in later life. Ok a bit a harsh but you get my sentiment.

    On a side note, ladies or anyone for that matter, do not accept unprofessional behavior from anyone like photographers agents that sort of thing. I recently was told how there is a trend for photographers in “Actor rich environments” to offer their services at discount rates for sexual services for things like head shots. Im sorry not good enough. Where has the professional conduct and standards gone? Are ethics really that dead? Am I that old fashioned?

    I know it is a little off topic but it really all boils down to basic humanity. Treat people with respect. Makes me sick seeing the way people get abused because someone has a small amount f power so they choose to wield it. Apologies for the rant but I do feel better 🙂

    Be well all. Have an amazing day. May it be full of hugs

  2. Ex Roomie — Yes indeed. Isn’t criminalization a beautiful thing?? Can’t see him getting away with this in Australia, especially not crowing about it online.

    So it’s not just escorts who get pressured to do “trade” with photos?? Good to know. Not sure why people always want to just take advantage instead of helping others or at least, just being a fair businessperson.

    Agree with your rant. Totally.

    XX

  3. So, leaving aside the sleavy guy (and it all sounds like a made up scam of course)….leaving that aside and focusing on your young man’s quate…you are saying that being pestered into sex is coercive sex?

    My dictionary has coercive as “Relating to or using force or threats”. Nothing about pestering and whining.

    “Your honour, it truly was rape, because I just couldn’t stand his bloody whining anymore”.

    Well, um, this means I’ve been “coerced” into all manner of things over the years. It means that both me and every bloke I know is a recidivist rapist (funny though, my wife calls it “persistence” and she basically demands it before sex….but I didn’t know that until years into it).

    Come on now, you are a great writer with serious moral intent. Don’t destroy your credibility by putting pestering and whining into the same basket as threats and physical violence.

  4. No, wait there’s more.

    If you equate pestering and whining with coercion, then you are infantalising women and treating them as lesser moral agents than men.

    But this just doesn’t make sense at all in the context of the rest of your writing!

    What are you thinking!!???

  5. Arthur — And here I thought I laid it out perfectly (ha!). Anyway, to requote what I said, if someone DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND TELLS YOU NO AND YOU KEEP BOTHERING THEM UNTIL THEY FINALLY DO IT TO JUST SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP — then yes, that’s coercive sex. I did not call it rape, did I? But it’s still coerced, they still do not want to have sex with you, they likely find you repulsive and are probably jumping into the shower as soon as you leave. Not to mention, there are a million situations in which this happens, many of them in which the threat of violence lurks just under the surface (as any female can tell you). But again, I’ve already explained all this.

    For pity’s sake, it is that hard to find someone who enthusiastically wants to have sex with you and may even ask YOU to have sex??? MUST you badger your sex partners into it?? I can see why you take such offense as I assume this is how you normally get laid.

  6. ” For pity’s sake, it is that hard to find someone who enthusiastically wants to have sex with you and may even ask YOU to have sex??? MUST you badger your sex partners into it??”. – by coincidence a neighbor was talking about the same thing, and.called it. “maintenence sex” with his wife, just expecting to get thrown a twirl every once in awhile to get by. I kinda understand what he means, but the bottom line is very sad, in that for him (and i guess a lot of other long time married people) its become a thing to do, instead of something to be enjoyed with each other. Makes one wonder if marriage still really exists, or if people are just married…

  7. Me — Quite agree.

    Very often it seems that modern marriage has simply reverted to its roots: a legal contract between two people with specific obligations to forestall breach of contract.

    So very romantic.

    XX

  8. yeah, that’s the worst feeling, when he’s ready to have sex and I am not. I need to be ready when I have sex, fresh breath, fresh from the shower, legs smooth, tan glowing, lip gloss on, hair perfect, i have to feel ready and then i can get into it and it’s nice. i hate it when i have just worked out or mowed the yard and he’s ready. But we have a system i guess, he pesters me once and i know to go straight to the bathroom and start the shower and plug my straightener on!

  9. Just wanted to speak to the coercive sex comment in relation to hobbyists. I’m sick of being solicited for unsafe sex acts and then told with abject patronizing that I just won’t be able to survive in the industry without doing bbbj. And, yes, countless helpful gents have offered to get me on the BIG review site…for a discounted session. So over hobby.

    Love your blogs. Keep up the good work!

  10. Rachel — I like that. He understands what you need to do to get in the mood and let’s you do that. That’s respect.

    Libbie — YES. YES. This makes me sick and it can get even worse than what you write.

    Thank you!

    “Free” is a four-letter word. That’s one of the best things I’ve read.

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