In a roundabout way, I found out that this post over at Tits and Sass had mortally offended a client. No need to be offended, one can’t spend large amounts of close, personal time with another person without indulging in some (or all) of these activities. These things are what normal people normally do in relationships — only they aren’t compressed into a day or weekend or whatever.

It did get me thinking of more time-wasting activities for escorts who need a little mental/emotional alone-time during extended bookings (men: think of it as care and feeding for her soul, not as time away from you). So here are my suggestions.

outdoor activities

It helps if you already like the outdoors.

Fishing: Many men love it, it can last the entire day and staring in silence at the water or napping are considered part of it. For added quality time, slip the bait off your hook when no one’s looking. You don’t actually want to catch anything because then you have to do stuff with it.

Hiking: Ideal if you’re in great shape and he’s not. Push ahead and keep the pace rigorous enough so that he can’t talk, but not so hard that he passes out or has a heart attack. (While death would be the ultimate time-wasting activity, all the questions and stuff that goes along with it would probably spoil the entire appointment. Going to the hospital also counts as a prime time-wasting activity, but again, probably not how you envision spending your time. Though you can get major bonus points for holding his hand and sleeping in the uncomfortable visitor’s chair.)

Bird-watching (in a blind): This may require getting up extremely early or enduring a lot of heat in a small, enclosed space. However, silence is essential. It lasts for hours.

Horseback riding: He can’t talk when he’s not beside you. Horses don’t like loud noises so they won’t tolerate a yelled conversation either.

Swimming: Also works best if you’re a strong swimmer and he’s not. A wide-open space, like the ocean, is better than a small hotel pool. It helps you concentrate on your own swimming if lifeguards are on duty. Surfing would also qualify.

Running: The inspiration for this post (see below). Again, works best if you’re a stronger runner than him. Helps if one of you gets lost.

indoor activities

Not everyone wants to be outside.

Drinking/darts/pool/bar games: While this doesn’t give you alone-time, it does waste time in a most excellent and fun way. Plus, it’s even more fun if you always win!

Surfing the Internet with a dialup connection: He will eventually drift away in boredom while waiting for that YouTube video to load. You’ll get a few minutes of alone time.

Video games: Guys of all ages totally get into games. You’re connecting with him and spending time with him, but in a mindless way that requires very little out of you. Could last all day and all night if you get a truly competitive client (and your eyes can stay open). Bonus points if you routinely win. Try not to pick a game where you end up shooting him a lot — he might read more into that than is necessary.

Bikram yoga: Only if you’re experienced and he’s not. You will get the class to yourself, though you will likely have to listen to conversation about “how hot it was” for a while after.

Religious functions: This might be more than a little creepy to some but you get to enjoy a few hours of silence. Bonus points if you drag him to a house of worship that is sex-segregated.

what happened

I was invited to spend 3 days at the beach. As a landlocked barefoot runner, I was excited at the thought of bouncing out of bed every morning to greet the sunrise on the sand. Not something I get to do very often, to say the least.

He was aware of my plans. First morning, I woke up on time (helped that our bedroom faced east and all the windows were open), put on the my running clothes and left. He was awake and stirring around. I ran up the beach, too hard, and wore myself out (I was running with a 30mph wind). Turned around and was heading back when I saw he’d walked up the beach to join me. We walked and talked a little. When we were roughly a half-mile from the house, I was itchy. I told him I’d see how far I could get and took off — into the gale-force wind blowing flat against me. Happily, I made it to the house in good time and still had gas in the tank. I walked up the beach to the house and saw him maybe a 100yards up the beach from the house. I headed in, thirsty, hungry and sandy.

After taking care of my needs, I sat at the kitchen counter, reading a book and waiting. And waiting. After 30 minutes, I made myself oatmeal. After an hour I took my shower. He came in just as I was finished and was wandering around the house, considering what to do with my day.

I thought he was taken with shell-collecting or something. It turns out he didn’t see me go into the house, had completely misinterpreted what I’d said when I took off and had gone to the end of the beach and back trying to find me. He thought I’d gotten offended by a remark he’d made that morning. It didn’t help that a girl who looked and was dressed like me was on the beach and every time he got close enough to really see her, she’d take off in the opposite direction. (I never thought about hiring a decoy! Bonus points!) He was worried I got kidnapped. He was concerned I’d gotten lost (I was convinced he’d gotten lost). He finally came back to the house to get his phone and start making phone calls, concerned that he didn’t have any emergency contact info for me.

First time anything like this has ever happened to me. I told him that since he was a lawyer, he was over-complicating a simple thing. The house held all my stuff, the food, the booze and the toilets. Plus, I was barefoot. Where else would I have gone? Still, it gave me about two good hours to myself to read and relax. Later, he told me about the Tits and Sass posting and how he’d taken offense when he’d read it a little while ago; yet was chagrined to admit he’d managed to find a way to waste even more time than I ever could. It is amusing to both of us, to say the least.

The next two mornings I ran alone and he was at the house when I got back. No more wasted time.

I’ve shared this with his permission.

According to the news article linked above, two agents slept with the Colombian sex worker but didn’t want to pay full price for each, instead they wanted to halve the price. That’s not how it works anywhere. No prostitute in the world is going to do double the work for half the rate. Not only that, but we get a really good dose of Western imperialism because they were haggling over $20 (she wanted $60, they only wanted to pay $40).

This is endemic in Asia. I got to witness it third-hand on discussion boards over there, secondhand via client stories. Men would haggle over $10 — a great deal to the sex worker and absolutely nothing to a Western man who can afford to travel abroad. No doubt the same problem exists anywhere in a country with darker-skinned sex workers and especially in countries whose economies aren’t as strong as the US (or countries where the US is the invading army). There’s a whole lot more I could say on this topic, but will leave it for some other time.

Other than the blatant racism, the only other thing I have to say on the scandal — and this hasn’t changed from my very first reaction — is that these Secret Service agents are used to being asshole clients in the US. In the US they can get away with ripping off sex workers, beating us and even murdering us if they really want. All without recourse or worrying about the girl saying a single thing because that’s the true beauty of criminalization: it empowers criminals. They forget they were in a foreign country where sex work is legal and sex workers have rights. Different playing field, ain’t it, boys?

Sex work is work to me, not sex. I am work-positive. I firmly believe in every sex worker’s right to work in the safest possible manner, maximizing their income as much as they can. As much as I can give sex workers the tools to do that, I will. Granted, my focus is on what I know best: Internet escort work. That still encompasses a pretty broad swath of people. I insist on sex workers working ethically as well — that’s my belief in how the world functions best. Not that I can somehow force anyone to do any of this. That’s a laugh!

For some reason, work is a four-letter word among Internet escorts. There is nothing dirty, ignoble or dispassionate about work. Job is also not a bad word, yet is also treated as such. Maybe my origins do affect my sex work. I was raised with a very strong work ethic and having a job was what one did. Since my family did not provide me with a trust fund to last the rest of my life, having a job and working was an integral part of my future no matter how I looked at it.

That my sex work is work isn’t a negative to me. I take pride in my work, I pour a lot of my personal energy into my work. My work revolves around connecting with individual humans on a personal level and making them happy. It’s not easy work and it’s not a job for everyone but it is a job that many are drawn to. I certainly don’t resent having to make a living. It’s an expected part of my life. Sure, there are annoyances but there are plenty of other jobs that would have killed my soul long before.

Audacia discusses the issue of money and yes, it’s a valid reason for why many choose this work. Nothing wrong with taking the highest-paying work one can get. But I have found that those who find fulfillment only through the money end up with emotional problems regarding the work. The answer for these people isn’t decrim, it’s helping them get similar-paying work they can personally handle. The reality is that not everyone is cut out for sex work. Just like not everyone is cut out to do all sorts of other highly-specialized work. Still, those who hate sex work but need to pay the bills deserve work-positive activism just as much as those who feel naturally drawn to sex work. (I’m deliberately leaving out the experiences of those who were coerced into sex work because, obviously, they made no choice to be involved.)

In a perfect world, everyone would only do the work they wished to do and it would magically pay their living expenses. We’re not there yet. Changing the laws and providing harm reduction is the best that can be done. I don’t feel there is inherent conflict in telling the world “Most sex workers choose sex work. Many like it. Many do not. None of them wishes to work in unsafe conditions and be subject to arrest or become ready-made victims of crime.”

Sex work is a gigantic spectrum of experiences. One thing I’ve noticed is that those who have negative experiences rarely acknowledge that not everyone shares their experiences, yet any sex worker who has positive experiences is seemingly required to acknowledge they aren’t shared by everyone. Positive experiences aren’t a by-product of “luck” or any socially-endowed “privilege” (a laughable concept under a criminalized system) — they’re a product of hard work by the individual sex worker who approaches their work as a business to be learned, managed and maximized. Does this mean every sex worker who has negative experiences aren’t taking the right business approach? Sometimes — yes. Sometimes just a little application of common sense and personal responsibility would do wonders for the sex worker. Other times the answer is clearly no, an awful lot beyond the control of the individual needs to happen to change that person’s fortune.

I’ve really said all I wanted to say today. I’m work-positive and will continue to be so. Audacia helped clarify this for me and I thank her for that — regardless of what I think of her thoughts, she made me think and that’s always appreciated (and I like her on a personal level). I’ve been trying to clarify a lot of things in my life lately and this is just one more piece in place (a small one, but one I wanted to share).

I’m sure many of you have seen this wording on advertising malls and personal websites of escorts. Continuing my recent satirical bent, here are some private activities that I enjoy for which no money is ever exchanged:

• sleeping (my #1 enjoyable private activity)
• eating
• running
• reading (especially in bed)
• reading while eating
• watching stupid YouTube videos
• using my honey/sugar scrub in the shower
• getting fresh toenail polish (though I do this a salon so it’s not private and I pay for this service)
• watching mindless movies
• napping
• looking at my collection of Breyer horses
• dreaming about the day when I finally have all my stuff out of storage
• dreaming up blog posts that I never write
• dreaming up books that I never write
• flossing
• dozing
• counting and wrapping the coins in my coin jar
• having a really good rant about someone/something deserving
• bird-watching
• adding to my to-do list and sometimes crossing something off
• catching some Zs
• admiring my hair after I leave the salon
• dreaming about what I’d do if I won the lotto
• endlessly checking my email but not actually answering any of them (then become guilt-racked)
• surfing escort websites
• slumbering

Oddly, none of these options are available for me to check off on advertising malls. I think I’ll just link to this post, just to be helpful to any potential clients. Apparently my private activities are something they’re intensely curious about for some reason.

I assume these men are clients of some poor soul. They aren’t real clients and aren’t civilians. They live in their own special realm.

– Makes a dental appointment: “Here is a picture of my great teeth. They’re so amazing you need to pay me to clean them. What? You’re going to charge me anyway? You money-grubbing whore.”

– Speaks with a general contractor: “You’re going to bill me for this? I thought you liked working on my house so much you’d do it for free. You’re such a money-grubbing whore.”

– Calls a bank after 5pm: “Oh, so you just closed once you made all your money for the day. I see how you are, you money-grubbing whore.”

– Walks into a Mercedes dealership: “I want the newest S model. In black. Turbo. Fully-loaded. Full warranty. Free oil changes for life. And I only have $100. What? You won’t do this amazing deal? You money-grubbing whore.”

– Calls the home number of the manager of a local steakhouse at 4am: “Wake up. I want a steak with all the trimmings right now. The steakhouse is closed? You advertised steak and I want steak. Wake up and cook my steak. I’ll be there in 5 minutes and I only have $20. You can’t tell me no! I’m a customer! You sleep-grubbing whore.”

– Sends long love letter to therapist: “I love you unconditionally forever. You listen to me and make me feel good. You’re the most wonderful person in the world. What? You don’t want to date me? Why not? Fine. I hate you. All you care about is material things and your stupid boundaries. You money-grubbing whore.”

– Argues with bill collector: “All you care about is getting paid. I am living a spiritual life and money is not important to me, you money-grubbing whore.”

– Calls local mechanic at 4:54pm. At 4:55pm. At 4:57pm. At 5:01pm. At 5:03pm. At 5:05pm. At 5:10pm. At 5:11pm. At 5:12pm. Finally leaves message: “I hope you’re better at fixing cars than you are at answering your phone. I wanted my car fixed but my car is too good for you. You disease-ridden, money-grubbing whore.”

– Sees doctor. Goes to pay: “Why am I being charged? Not only was the doc so nice to me and took care of me, that’s what the doctor likes doing. Why should I have to pay since they like being a doctor so much? Money-grubbing whore.”

– Writes the CEO of Gulfstream: “I really like your jets but can’t afford one. However, I’m 49yrs old, 5’10″, 190lbs, drug/disease-free and like classic movies and read a lot. Could we meet for lunch so I can go ride on one of your jets anyway? NO? How dare you say that to me! I offer so much as a passenger. You money-grubbing whore.”

– Calls his local Chinese delivery restaurant: “I’m 2500 miles away but could I get delivery in the next half hour? No? Why not? I really want Chinese food and think your food is great. I’m willing to pay, and have a coupon. I don’t understand.”

– Argues with wife: “I didn’t marry you because I loved you! I married you so that I could pay your bills so you would have sex with me! And now you won’t have sex with me?! Marriage is paying for sex! You’re not living up to your end of the agreement! You money-grubbing whore.” Goes off, contacts escort off Backpage: “Here’s a picture of my penis. It’s really big and I’m really hot. Free sex — just for you! You want paid? You money-grubbing whore.”