Yeah, it’s been a while. I’m still getting caught up with emails and life.

Obviously, my life has been in upheaval for the past couple months. I’ve been barely holding myself together since October and moving at the end of April pretty much capped it.

The relationship is over. That pain has been dealt with. The pain I’m still dealing with is what happened to me and how/why I let it happen. Though I can’t really speak publicly about it, I’ve been threatened with various actions if I reveal too much. This blog has been censored since Day 1 and is still being censored. It’s a concern, but not a vital one for me to address at this moment.

Which leads to my karmic debt. So many people, including a lot I’ve never met, have offered support and help in various ways. And it has helped. There is no magic wand to make things better, but being alone makes things much worse.

You’ve let me know I am not alone.

There isn’t enough I can possibly do to repay the kindness shown or the tolerance for my recent flakiness.

The more unfortunate side effect is that my personal energy is at an ebb and I have little energy to give to those who also need it. Several other friends have had crises too. But then, that’s what a support network is for. My small sisterhood of sex workers have been wonderful. There is so much love the outside world never sees and completely fails to understand.

coming out

I’m thinking of unretiring “Amanda.” Curious what others think. Of course, email me if you’d prefer not to make your thoughts public. (This has nothing to do with the post I made in March, I’m talking about the Texas Golden Girl being an escort again – no discreet secondary identities.)

Cons: making myself a target for police and psychos; being recognized when I don’t want to be; being a subject of nosy reporters.

Pros: helping to remove stigma from sex workers; reacquainting with former clients (those whom I’ve lost email contact with); instant reputation and standing; probably healthy business. Mostly – being out and proud!

29 thoughts on “processing pain, karmic debt and coming out

  1. Well, I’m still here – reading what you post, because I find your take on things intelligent and fascinating. I certainly hope whatever direction your life takes you next you’ll see fit to share some part of it with us here.

  2. I hope things get better for you, Amanda, even just a little bit at a time. These things don’t happen fast (as you well know). I’m here if you need me.

  3. Amanda you have lots of friends who love and respect you, and who will stand up for you if they know you are in need. Don’t hesitate to draw on the solidarity of the profession and their friends.

  4. Amanda, echoing Michael Goodyear, do please let us know if there is any way we can be helpful. There is a community of people out here who care a lot about you.

  5. Glad to see you’re back and hope all goes well for you. Its been a few months since I ran into you.. still have to take you up on getting a meal or coffee sometime 🙂 Take care and email me if you ever need anything

  6. “The pain I’m still dealing with is what happened to me and how/why I let it happen.”

    Oh my…I surely understand this one…perhaps the hardest one to integrate.

    I know you’ll do well in the end, and the going can be two steps forward, one back. But you’ll get there. In the meantime, isn’t it lovely to keep remembering your friends (as it seems you do) and to be able to call upon them when you need to? The world is a lovely place with lovely people. The good weighs out the bad by leaps and bounds.

    Keep smiling and good luck in your new life!

  7. So…..we meet a-gain Ms Brooks! Well. You have not been forgotten. Not by a long shot. 😉

  8. Gillette,

    I thought you might have perspective on this. Yes, I do keep reminding myself to count my blessings. There are many people who are those blessings.

    Bosca,

    Nice to hear from you, my MIA friend.

    XX

  9. Amanda

    things seem to work out once you begin to move forward. you.ve made a positive impact on lots of people over time, and i’m sure that they will remember you with kindness. i know that i surely do 🙂

    rex

  10. I agree with Rex. I have been reading your blog for quite awhile and have been tempted to chime in on several occasions. It never seemed a good time. There are many people out there that remember you with kindness and count their lives better for having known you. You have my condolences. People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The trick is to take the best with you.

  11. Rex and Michael,

    Thank you — both of you. My friends have been repeating what both you have said: it gets better and there is a reason for everything.

    XX

  12. There are several SEVERAL of us that are dearly wishing for you to return to the Dallas area. Even if only for a brief visit. We all love you and miss you.

  13. No regrets. Just revitalization, revival, restoration, rediscovery…

    Standing up straight is only achieved after falling down…alot;)

    Falling down isn’t so bad when you have arms to pick you back up.

    Lily

  14. That’s right. As Lily said: No regrets. Revitalize, restore and reconnect.

    Good luck at Desiree Alliance conference. Have a great meeting and enjoy.

    Take good care,

    Ari

  15. Lily,

    I knew I could count on you to cut to the heart of the matter. Thank you.

    Ari,

    Thank you for your long-term support. Yes, I will enjoy the conference!

    XX

  16. For me, the deepest valleys of life produce the best fruit . . . it may never be fun in the valleys, but there is a purpose for all things.
    Cheers,

    Mark

  17. It was great to finally meet you in person today, Amanda and I look forward to your presentation on Friday (kinda disappointed it had to be pushed back!) and most definitely for the book. The final decision of course rests with you alone, but I say go for it. If you’re feeling good about re-entering the business then do it. And you obviously have fans out there that will probably throw a party for you upon your return. That’s kinda cool! Buena suerte and bonne chance!

  18. You know what I think about it! Think of the rates you could command by doing that? I mean, your clients would literally be going out with the “woman who wrote the book” on escorting. 😆

  19. Alexa,

    Yes, I know! Talk about performance anxiety from my end! But it would give police something high-profile to do — that’s the real problem. It might also give people who have issues with me (and what I’m doing) something to do as well.

    But I think I have a solution…stay tuned!

    Aspasia,

    It was GREAT to meet you and all the long chats we had. Wish I’d been able to check my blog and discuss this with you while we were there, but I wasn’t able to hook up to the Internet anywhere.

    By the way everyone, go read Aspasia’s blog. She is just the cutest, most fun Chicagoan.

    XX

  20. Amanda,

    You had a great presentation at the conference, lots of helpful tips! I am a former male worker who is also thinking about unretiring since being at the conference. Honestly, I miss it, the money, the feeling of “control” you get. and the conference showed me that there is more support out there than I had thought there was for sex-workers. I wanted to say Hi at the conference but was too shy, plus I was exhausted from a long night and fell asleep at the couch next to you. Anyways, thank you for the talk, book and blog.

    Roberto

  21. Roberto,

    Wish you’d said hi! I love meeting new people at the conferences — that’s the big fun for me.

    VERY glad you found my presentation useful. I’m happy to answer questions you have about using those concepts.

    And yes, there is a TON of support out there for sex workers BY sex workers. It’s the only real support we get — and it is good! Keep reaching out to everyone you met. It’s so important. I’ve discovered this over the past year.

    Hope to see you next year?

    XX

  22. Hi, Amanda

    I have some thoughts and suggestions regarding the Bellas experience and the coop idea that wouldn’t be appropriate for the blog. Would you email me your email address so I could share them with you

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *