clueless sex question #1
May 24, 2007 Advisor Amanda
Playboy* magazine has its monthly Advisor column and every month some clueless dolt writes in. The Advisor’s advice is usually good, but sometimes there are things I’d like to add, or the question is so confounding that I want to say something.
June 07’s question:
Male porn actors often spank the woman’s pussy before going down on her. Do women enjoy having their genitals slapped?
Advisor’s answer:
Given the thin line between pleasure and pain, we’re sure some women enjoy it, but we would wait for a specific request. If we had our way, porn studs would spend less time spanking vulvas and more time massaging clits.
My answer:
You need to put down the porn and go have sex with a real woman. Lots of times or lots of women – whatever you can possibly do. You’ll be amazed how much you can learn if you have sex with actual, living women. You’ll learn even more if you communicate during sex and ask questions like “Do you want to try this?” or “Do you like it if I do this?”
Women enjoy having their genitals slapped as much as you do. (Some men really like this, most don’t.) Brush up on your anatomy. We have all the same nerve endings you have. Our genitals are intimately connected with our entire body. A vagina is not a mysterious hole in the space-time continuum.
Finally, understand that porn movies are entertainment, not sexual documentaries. Try not to confuse reality with anything labeled as “entertainment.” Just because an actor can get sprayed with bullets halfway through an action movie and still keep fighting doesn’t mean the same will happen to you if you get caught in a drive-by.
And really — turn off the porn.
*I’ve had a subscription to Playboy for several years. I always considered it a research expense.
May 24th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
“A vagina is not a mysterious hole in the space-time continuum.” This has got to be one of the best lines I have ever read on the subject and sums it up so succinctly!
May 24th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
I never understood that whole slapping thing myself. I figured it was just one of the moves that goes in and out of vogue in the porn industry. I’ve never done it like that, and none of my lady friends have ever asked me to.
I’ve been subscribing to Playboy for 15 or 16 years now. I’ve always found it to be interesting and tasteful in its presentation of women. And I actually read most of the magazine. Some of the articles (especially the interviews) are fascinating. And the fiction is almost always very good.
“A vagina is not a mysterious hole in the space-time continuum.”
…But that doesn’t mean we’re not thoroughly interested in exploring them nonetheless.
Ian
May 25th, 2007 at 6:18 am
Dammit!!!
Either get yourself a job there and save that magazine or I’m cancelling my subscription.
This is my first and last warning.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:20 am
Aspasia,
Thanks! I thought it was pretty clever when I came up with it. Makes me giggle.
Ian,
Playboy often does have good articles and interviews. But the people who write into the Advisor…whew! Some really miss the point!
There’s a lot that’s done in porn that I’d never recommend doing in real life with either sex. It’s entertainment and the actors are professionals. I’m not against porn at all, just as long as “entertainment” is firmly kept in mind.
Exploring is good. Stupefication is not.
XX
May 25th, 2007 at 6:22 am
JW,
I’ve lusted after the Advisor’s job for a long time! If I could get the role, I would! Except that I don’t know a whole lot about men’s suits or high-end stero equipment. Maybe you’ll have to fill in for that…
XX
June 14th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
[...] clueless sex question #1 – After Hours| random discourse from a retired escort “Try not to confuse reality with anything labeled as ‘entertainment.’ Just because an actor can get sprayed with bullets halfway through an action movie and still keep fighting doesn’t mean the same will happen to you if you get caught in a drive-by.” (tags: sex sexuality porn) [...]
May 27th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I have spent more time on your web site or blog and I like the layout and style. Plus your sense of humor is outstanding. It does seem you do not care too much for men these days. Or maybe just the ones that are around after midnight. It is good to see the level of interest there is out there for you versus the level of disinterest that surely will follow one day. You should plot a graph of the demands of your time versus what you would like to get accomplished each week. I am sure there is a correlation between the two. (of course dummy) Enjoy it while you can except to the point where you can’t go outside anymore. Where can I find your advise column here? I have a few questions. LOL