— One of the tracking services I use for my book’s site gets some hits for odd search phrases. I only read the summary and do not log into the control panel to see if there was more than one hit (one hit is enough to go in my stats, of course).

For the person who wants to know if putting in a tampon is like having sex — no, it isn’t.

Here are a few suggestions for the person who wanted some “tips when ordering an escort.”

When ordering an escort, make sure the delivery service wraps her up in a foil blanket so she stays warm on the ride over and will be hot and fresh at your door. Make sure she’s made up of only the bits you like best, no sense in throwing in some extra intelligence if you always ignore it anyway! Always ask for extra cheese or sauce, you never know, the kitchen might be in the mood to throw that in. Tip the delivery person if the escort arrives early. Don’t bother to tip the escort — that’s just silly! Always have your coins counted out in advance, no one likes to wait at the door while you pull pennies out of the change jar. Make sure the escort ordering service offers a “30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee just like every other pizza kitchen in town (since a pizza and escort are exactly the same thing, of course). Most importantly, make sure to announce you’re using a coupon when placing your order! Coupons can usually be found in the local papers.

On the other hand, maybe the person wanted to know how to order an escort to do something. Good luck with that, pal.

— I went over to Europe with a set of photos that showed a lot of personality, not a lot of skin. I liked them, US guys liked them, but they didn’t impress many over there. I resolved to do ultra-sexy (for me, at any rate) when I got back. So I did. Irony of ironies, these new photos are generally too sexy for US advertisers working around 2257. So I can’t use many of the ones I’d like to. (Obviously this one has been sitting around for a while in the Drafts folder.)

— Did you know that Angelina Jolie, Eva Mendes and I are all way over the hill for highly-discriminating escort agencies? (At least according to their stated hiring policies.) I did find one agency in London for whom we’re all almost 20yrs too young — which was refreshing.

14 thoughts on “bits and pieces 5

  1. “Ordering an escort” — hilarious! The parody is delicious. (And so is the OTH widecrack.)

  2. “Ordering an escort” was very funny while a bit embarrassing because I might have been the one who put that search phrase in.

    After I made the decision to call an escort I had no idea how to do it and floundered around doing internet searches with ridiculous results (one or two more ridiculous than your parody).

    Thanks for the funny post.

  3. Tom,

    I have no idea as there aren’t names attached to of the info collected. Remember, the search hit my book’s site, not this blog (though after this post, I’ll probably get hits here too). That being said, hope you understand what you’re doing a bit better!

    Usually, escorts will have info on their Contact page of how they prefer to be contacted. Many also have Etiquette pages or links to pages of information.

    XX

  4. Amanda,

    Yup, once I stopped looking at CL and hit escorts sites it became obvious.

    I found that pretty much the same etiquette applies as if I was calling a woman up for a date. On the phone you tell who you are, how you got her number, (the first call is always more awkward than subsequent ones), you ask if she wants to get together and set a time and place to meet.

    When you show up, you’ll recieve a much better reception being well groomed than you would if you show up smelling and looking like you just came from cleaning a cow barn.
    None of those things change if it’s an escort or a woman I met in the supermarket.

    In the end most of it just falls back to common sense and common courtesy and the parts that don’t mostly concern verification.

  5. Tom,

    Exactly right!

    You know…you could write a little etiquette guide for men based on what you just said. Perhaps they’ll believe it more if it came from a man than an escort (since they might think escorts are just being picky and self-serving).

    XX

  6. Amanda,

    I did wonder about all the requirements at first but most are just common courtesy and for their comfort (strangely enough some women don’t like the scent of an onionburger on the breath of the guy they are with).

    Some of the stranger ones I kinda figured were like Van Halen’s brown m&m’s (http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/vanhalen.asp).
    If you followed the rule about leaving a pink envelope next to the lamp then you are more likely to follow the other rules involving what is an is not permissible.

    That guide is actually in the process of being written. I’ll post the link when I’ve got it done.

    Tom

  7. Tom,

    Common courtesy obviously isn’t so common, huh? I always find it a shame that clients have to be coached on matters as basic as hygiene. With many girls, it doesn’t take much to become a good client because they see a lot of not-so-good ones!

    Laughing about the following the odd requests. It is true, you’ll make her happier and there’s a reason for her request. I haven’t come across many I thought were odd though. Do share!

    Look forward to the guide. Hope you’re enjoying your journey!

    XX

  8. I’ve always considered my pro encounters as “dates”… with much less BS and much higher chances, that is. That’s why I was surprised to see elsewhere that you disapprove of the word (it does sound like streetwalker lingo, but I’m no snob!).

    In fact, if most men would prepare and behave like for an actual date, instead of having the attitude that, “hey, she’s a pro and I’m paying”, you wouldn’t hear half of the complaints from providers.

    The advice is not popular with men, though. From a woman it may sound self-serving, but if it comes from a man… they call you a sellout or worse.
    Then they want to whine about not having the best time…

  9. Hobbyist,

    I don’t call my meetings with clients “dates” but I do consider my escort work much like blind dating. I just still think it sounds street to talk about “dates” on your advertising. Considering client-meetings to be actual dates is very healthy, I think.

    Men can view me as entertainment, as meeting a new (or old) friend, as a hot date, a fantasy, as almost anything except non-human. That’s the only place I draw the line. Which is where I clash with MANY hobbyists. They seem to think I’m a trained seal or a vending machine where they pop in the right amount of money and I pop out the thing they want. Nope, doesn’t work that way.

    XX

  10. I’m too over the hill for agencies too. So are Christy Turlington, Kate Moss, Audrey Tatou, Beyonce, Penelope Cruz, Estella Warren, Kim Kardashian…. What a bunch of washed up old hags we are. That’s why I need to be wrapped in foil for the delivery. My decrepit, dried out, old body can’t maintain its own heat or moisture levels anymore.

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