un-retirement
This isn’t really the post I’d been re-writing in my head over the past few months. And it has nothing to do with the recent scandals.
Things haven’t been going well in the relationship for a while. Some of you know that, some don’t. There really is no good way to write this, so I’m just writing and posting, no editing for weeks (which I usually do).
My retirement will come to an end soon. It’s harder to say in public than I thought. It really is. I still am not ready to articulate everything I want to publicly share for anyone else who might be going through the same thing. I have anxieties and fears I did not have the first time around. I have a plan, as always. That’s not the problem. But I can’t plan against my own concerns.
I doubt the tone of this blog will change much. I’m not going to turn this into a typical escort blog where I dissect my clients in public. That’s not me. It’s not going to happen. If I do discuss work, it will be in my usual oblique way.
This has been brewing since October. And it became clear in early February that the relationship was irreparable. It’s sad and painful. More than I had thought it would be. I’m feeling bitter and that’s a first — possibly in my entire life.
A few months ago, when discussing this with a sex worker friend, she told me that everyone who retires for a relationship eventually comes back. I don’t see this as a statement on the people involved so much as a statement of murky waters of relationships and expectations in this society.
I tried to be something I am not. And what I am is not what he wants.
She told me I would have to deal with the pain on my own, and she is right. She also told me that she (and others) would catch me when I stepped through the door. There’s a mythic-journey aspect to changing one’s life (again) and a doorway is the right metaphor. It’s now open and all I have to do is step through.
See you on the other side.
please note
This post was removed with days of posting. I’ve re-posted it as of 7/2/08 because I would rather have my blog uncensored, even if it means I misstep every now and then. Plus, I’d like to think I’m the captain of my own ship again.
comments
9 Responses to “un-retirement”
Leave a Reply
Your e-mail address is not collected, used or listed with your comment.
When writing your comment, you can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>
-
New visitors:
This is the personal site/blog of Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort's Handbook series. If you're over here because you heard of the books and are interested, just click here to go to the book's site and blog.
TexasGoldenGirl doesn't really deal with the books -- it's my personal site. To continue exploring here, use the menu above.
-
Search?
The Search bar is at the bottom of the page. It's not far to scroll.
-
Copyright Notice
Notice of copyright: The After Hours blog is copyrighted (c) 2002-2008 by Amanda Brooks. All rights reserved.
-
Personal Update (7/2/08)
Book #2 is on its way. Slowly. But getting there.
I'm finally ready to rejoin life. Slowly, too.
-
Geeky
I've discovered the pleasure of working with Brian Gardner's WP themes. His free stuff is nearly flawless and his more expensive stuff is mind-blowing. Although his work is easy to use right out of the box, there's infinite fun to be had by customizing (i.e., destroying) it. As you can see here.
Most serious relationships fail. Most people have one or two serious relationships before they marry, and 50% of marriages end in divorce. When we enter a serious relationship, we always feel like “this is it”, so when they fail, it feels like a personal failure. But most of them fail, regardless of the characteristics of the people involved.
We don’t need to know about your clients, except in oblique ways. You don’t need to turn this blog into something else. You’ve got at least one reader who’s happy with the blog the way it is.
Count me in as a second reader happy with your blog.
Ian
What can I say? I will be among those volunteering to catch you. And I too know well how having a plan helps little when coping with pain.
I also agree that it’s about relationships, not industry involvement. Or rather, perhaps, the same personal traits that lead people to enjoy the industry also tend to further complicate relationships.
Hold on. Keep up. And take care!
KD,
Thank you. I do feel like a failure, on many levels and for a number of reasons. I haven’t felt like a failure before in a relationship either. This is a new feeling and not one I wanted to experience.
Glad you like the blog as is!
Ian,
Thank you too.
Thais,
Yes. If I had not been an escort, not only would we not have met, I would not have been the person he was attracted to. Trying to change that was a mistake we both made. That makes the life lesson no less difficult.
Thank you for your support. I know you’re speaking from some experience too.
XX
Oh my!…so sorry to hear that you are sad and things are shifting. I echo Thais..I don’t think it’s the industry, per se…perhaps it’s that those of us attracted to the industry have certain predlictions that preclude monogamy??? Or the people we attract through aren’t as suited to commitment as they wish they were. In the end, does speculating matter?
Whatever the case, I wish you well, I wish you peace, I wish you all the best in your re-emergence. Stepping off into the unknown isn’t easy. I feel you will do so with grace.
Gillette,
Thank you. “…perhaps it’s that those of us attracted to the industry have certain predlictions that preclude monogamy” — that would be part of it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. It does feel unknown again and is not easy. Sometimes it seems like the answer, other times I have a lot of fears and worries. Guess there’s only one way to settle that.
XX
Amanda,
My sincere condolences.
But rest assured, you are not a failure — only the relationship is. When you’ve made every reasonable effort, you’ve succeeded — because you now know that it wasn’t right for you. And there’s no way to know that and protect yourself in advance without closing yourself off from the world.
Best wishes,
Chevalier
Chevalier,
I didn’t get to thank you for your comment before as the post was pulled.
I can’t say I feel like a success, but this was a learning lesson. Closed off from the world? I felt that way for the past four years. It’s nice not to be anymore.
XX
Others WILL catch you as you come through the other side!