I’m quite comfortable being naked in front of people in a situation of my choosing. The two situations here were not of my choosing — obviously. For instance, there will never be a post about how violated I felt on the strip club stage because I never felt that way.

It’s hard for me to feign indifference when I feel rage. Very hard. I’d rather take it out on the person causing the rage. (And I actually like it when dogs glance at me, I think they’re being friendly. )

There are ways for men to look at women and appreciate them without violating them. I’ve seen it/experienced it in other countries. Nothing wrong with a man silently and non-aggressively telling a woman he thinks she’s hot. Everyone likes appreciation. American men sorely lack the knowledge of doing this right, though. I think our society is far too violent for its own good.

XX

These guys ARE bullies. And bullies are weak men who prey on others to feel strong. If you give them tears, flight, or anger, you’re playing into their hands. They feel powerful if they create a victim.

The cutting remarks (that should be rehearsed, for those of you who can freeze in the moment) are a good weapon. But there is a risk of blowback, direct (if the bully becomes physical or more abusive) or indirect (he may take his defeat out on a more vulnerable prey next time).

No, what I would give them is INDIFFERENCE. You’re aware that they’re there and hear their comments, but don’t care. They are nothing – not a man, and certainly not a stong one, so why bother with letting them register. Would you care if a dog trotted by and looked at you? You’d just glimpse and look away, right? Try that.

I once found myself next a very attractive and well known actress while she was changing and trying on outfits with her (female) stylist. Now I’m a gentleman (mostly), but it was my job to be there AND look in her direction.
Well, trust me on this, although I got an eyeful, I did not enjoy ANY of it. She couldn’t have cared less (actress and models are comfortable with nudity and looks from stangers, and so should sex workers) and I felt like furniture. I was not a man to her – exactly the opposite from what those bullies are after.

One can derive a feeling of power by being clothed next to someone naked, especially if there is a size/gender differential. The nazis did just that. But if you deny it, and actually realize how powerful a naked woman is, this can turn on the guy on a dime.

If the circumstances are such that you fear for your safety, I think that you should quietly get dressed and get someone’s attention ASAP. That lurker may be waiting for an opportunity to take things further, and if he ends up escalating, there’ll be a record. Cops may dismiss your feelings (they can be jerks too), but won’t be able to walk away if witnesses are involved and support your claims.

I’m truly sorry that women have to put up with such behaviors. Until all men have caught up with evolution, you’re stuck with learning how to cope, though.

As for the stares and compliments (forget catcalls), the day we don’t see you or appreciate female beauty… we won’t be men anymore and I’m not sure what use you’ll have for us!
Because of jerks like those you ladies described, I’ve had to completely inhibit myself around the other gender, and this is one reason why I enjoy sex workers so much – not to be a pig at all (that’s not me), but a man again.

Damn! You put it so well! Thank you!

Your 3rd paragraph perfectly sums up the dilemma women face. And yes, some are capable of shooting off the ego at the knees — most are not. I’m not one of them (how many years did it take me to even express the incidents in this post?). Which just adds to the frustration.

In the future, it will help me knowing that a lot of men are on my side and sympathize. The comments have shown me that and it’s something I failed to acknowledge. Normal, sane men don’t appreciate the assholes either.

A bully…yes. Bullies don’t like to be confronted. I have a plan of action now — assuming I can get my brain to work at the right moment.

Thank you for your insight and welcome!

XX

In regards to your rage, I think it’s perfectly understandable. As a man, I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced anything similar, and no basis for comparison even if I had. Your description, though, was very powerful and the emotions you painted can be recognized by anyone.

It has to be amazingly frustrating to have your person so *casually* violated while, at the same time, making you also feel powerless; after all, nearly any response you make to the situation would be viewed more negatively by society than the act you are responding to! How do you decide, in that moment where your emotions begin to shift out the side of your stomach, what the “appropriate” response is? Do you yell, and risk escalating things and having at least some people blame you for “making a big deal out of nothing?” Or do you satisfy your anger and tazer the guy in the gonads and then spend the night in jail for assault?

One of the comments above said that such invasions of personal privacy are assaults on the psyche and I think that that is probably pretty accurate. It’s a type of mental bullying. The best response (though probably not the MOST satisfying) would be, as mentioned above, to mentally bully the person back with some cutting comment tossed casually at their feet; king of like chopping their ego off at the knees. Not everyone has the knack to be that calculating while that pissed off, though.

To sum up, I think it boils down to bullying. Just because the behavior isn’t physical in nature doesn’t mean that the emotions caused are any less real or any less deserving of consideration … it just means that you are more limited when it comes to your response since society, for the most part, cares more about the action you take than the actual harm you cause.

Well, looking back at my comment, I’m not sure that made much sense. Either way, you have my sympathy and I wish you much success with your writing and your blog.